Past Punchy Advice

Early May, 1995

How can I overcome the impression that I am dull and boring?

Bob answers:

Dear Freddy,
Learn three jokes and wear a Hawaiian shirt. It works GREAT for me!

The can of Spam reads 'Ingredients: Pork and Ham, Salt, Water, Sugar, Sodium Nitrate'. What's the mystery jelly? Please help me.

This "ingredients" thing is a silly human idea. A banana is banana. A coconut is coconut. A tasty green slug is tasty green slug. Ask Alphonzo. He's a Spam kind of guy.

Ooni asks Alphonzo:

What's the mystery jelly in Spam?

I don't know, but it gets into my meatloaf. I think it comes from the refrigerator.

BRADLEY, THERE'S THIS GUY I LIKE BUT HE HAS A BAD REP. HE SWEET TO ME AND MY PARENTS LIKE HIM HE'S 20 AND I'M 16 WHAT SHOULD I DO I THINK HE JUST WANTS TO BE FRIENDS BUT HE'S REALLY GOOD LOOKING HOW CAN I STOP LIKEING HIM AND JUST BE HIS FRIEND?

Kristina, I happen to be an expert on this matter. I fall madly in love with women and they only want to be friends. The more madly in love I fall, the more they want to be just friends. Mathematically speaking, the attraction is inversely proportional.

How can you stop liking him and still be friends? That's the tricky part. What I would do is take a picture of his head and paste it onto a picture of a preying mantis. Imagine being married to that for 40 years. Good luck.

That's gross! Kristina, honey, don't listen to him. Here's what I do. I close my eyes and imagine the two of us, arm in arm. Then I imagine that we are separate. I put me on one side and him on the other side. Then I see energy field bonds that I have created, that attach me to him like an umbilical cord. I cut the cord. I imagine that we are both separate, independent, beautiful people. I create a bubble around him and imagine he is smiling peacefully. We are both smiling peacefully, and we float away from each other. Then I open my eyes and I feel much better.

How do I deal with my petty and mean boss? I'm actively looking for another job, but there's a lot of competition out there.
What do you think of voodoo dolls, maybe sacrificing a chicken in his office when he wasn't looking? With a name like Drizzle, I know you're someone I can trust.

Dear Richard,
Self-employment isn't for everybody. But I want to warn any children who are reading this: Never play with voodoo doll finger puppets.

Where/how do you chat with people on the internet? (Any good chat sites?)

Dear Ithica
Personally I prefer to visit people in person, but that's easy for me because I can magically appear wherever I want to. So I passed this question on to Bradley, our computer expert. Bradley tells me to tell you to see the IRC Information page for much information. Best of luck to you!

How do you find a tax shelter? I've been driving around for weeks and I never see one. Are they underground or something?

Yes, they are underground. Take the nearest loophole. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Seriously, Andrew, I think you need a private consultation. But not with me.

What is the meaning of life?

I'm not sure but it has something to do with mocha espressos.

Paul Gray (pagray@mindspring.com) asks Ruth

How fast, is fast?

What am I, a scientist? Advice, I can give. Ask me about being married, for example. Marty has always been too fast. But as a plumber, too slow. That maybe doesn't help you.

I could sure do with a nice, tall mocha from StarBucks right now. Do you think all this caffeine will catch up to me some day? If so, is there any way to outrun it?

Richard honey, if I worried about every cup of coffee I drank, I'd be a gibbering idiot. Look at me. I drink three cups a day, and it hasn't done me any harm, has it? Well, has it?

Listen, as long as it keeps you working late into the night and making lots of money at your computer job, then perhaps you might like to come over next Saturday for dinner. My niece Heidi will be over. She's a very nice girl. You'd like her. She drinks coffee.

Why is the sky falling?

Where I am, the sky is not falling. If it is falling where you live, you better pack your bags. Quick.

Do you believe that 95% of the world is incapable, and the other 5% carries them?

Amen, brother!

95% of those who write to us are capable of reading instructions. You are in the 5% of those who didn't specify which expert to ask. You may draw your own conclusions, both about the ratio and about the group to which you belong.

The foolish ant believes the hole would not be dug without him.

what's the story on all this non-smoking stuff? can't a person live a little before it's all over?

It's your life. You can live as little as you want.

My nose is shaped just like '@'. Is it dangerous to sneeze?

That's really gross! Sneezing is the least of your problems. I've heard of someone's nose adding character, but never being a character. My advice is to avoid the Internet. You may be mistaken for an e-mail address. Plus I would see a good plastic surgeon. Or a fontographer.

Does it really take up more memory in amipro to use save as rather than create a style sheet?

I am allergic to computers. I break out in little red spots all over my back whenever I'm near a keyboard. Just reading about that guy with the nose shaped like '@' gave me a rash! So don't ask me about computers!

How do I meet guys?

You could start by being a little more assertive.

Will I win the lottery???

Dear Dominique, I don't care about your money. I'm surprised you still remember me. But if Ruth answers, hang up.

What's for dinner?

Lamb tikka and curried vegetables for me. How bout you?