Don't you intensely dislike being called "Marty" instead of Martin? I know I do, and I'm pretty tolerant of just about anything else. Except licorice. Oh, and a former girlfriend of mine who was a slick con artist. And Botany, which I flunked in college because I couldn't identify bare twigs in winter. I mean, a twig is a twig! So anyway I guess there are a lot of things I can't stand but someone calling me "Marty" tops the list. It makes me go non-linear. How about you?
Marty answers:
I'm a plumber. Someone calls me Martin, I pop him in the jaw!
Is there money in sucking string up your nose and spitting it out your mouth?
Punjabi answers:
Here in America, the possibilities are endless.
Ooni jumps in:
Let me try!
Kelsey cringes:
That's so gross!
I used to be more easy-going. These days, I tend to be short-tempered with people in my court room. Is this wrong of me?
Bob answers:
Try to take your mind off court for a while. Sit back and relax. Watch "The Simpsons." Have a glass of orange juice.
Is it true that big feet indicate other large appendages? And why should that matter?
Kelsey answers:
Really? I never noticed. I'll have to... No, it doesn't matter.
What is true love?
Drizzle answers:
True love is when it feels so good and makes no sense at all.
What am I here for?
Ruth answers:
Oh, don't worry. That happens to me, too. I walk into the kitchen, I go the the refrigerator, and I say to myself, "What did I come in here for?" Sometimes if I go back to the den, I remember what I went to the kitchen for. So that's my advice. Go back to where you were before you came here, and maybe you'll remember. You're welcome.
Can you fall in love over the net?
Alphonzo answers:
Not to brag, but a guy like me -- good-looking, intelligent, dependable -- we ain't so easy to find! Now that I've got my own home page, I'm sure there are ladies all over the world who'd love to meet me. So Sherri, why do you ask? (As if I didn't know!).
Bradley adds:
Fall in love over the net? I can fall in love over anything! One time I was flying from Chicago to L.A. and I fell in love with the woman beside me over the Grand Canyon. I have also fallen in love over cocktails. But I don't drink any more.I did get a cybercrush on someone over the Internet. Her name is Eve Andersson, and she is studying Calculus, Probability, Linear Algebra, Complex Analysis, and Differential Equations, and has a true appreciation for the beauty of the number pi. Although personally I am more interested in variables than in constants. I think I would be great for her, as she has never yet really been introduced to the passion of actuarial tables.
But that's just a crush, not love.
No, I will tell you a secret. My one true love is a woman with whom I have exchanged over 400 e-mails. I have never met her or talked to her on the phone, but I just know she's trim and petite and has deep flashing eyes. She sent me this picture of herself
:-)Isn't she beautiful?
Kelsey complains:
Guys! They're always thinking with their browzers!
What would happen to the world economy if cows took over?
Bob answers:
Having once been the mayor of Olga, I think I can safely speak for myself when I say that America was founded upon diversity, and yet what makes this country great is its people. Now some people might say that cows are people, and that point of view is hard to argue with. But we have to consider the plight of the farmer. How would you feel if you were a farmer and you were milking the President of the United States? But the main reason I stepped down from politics is because I don't know anything about it.
If you became a computer, can a computer become who you were beforehand?
Bradley answers:
Don't be silly! If I became a computer, who else would the computer be?
My best friend of 14 years & I - we haven't spoken for 3 weeks. First, she refused to let me return her call (I was busy at the time). Later she started interrogating me about where I was a particular Sunday, CLAIMING she called & left 7 or 8 messages on my machine that day (In reality-& in the back of her mind, she MUST know she didn't) because I had recieved NOT ONE phone call that day from no one. She's been like that forever, but I always let it go- this time, she wouldn't STOP. I told her I thought I would know if I had that many messages on my machine, I'd know it. But she snapped at me "Oh, nevermind, it dosen't matter anyway." Then she HUNG UP ON ME! I'm very hurt & angry, and I miss her friendship; but a tiny part of me feels a lot more calm. This just wasn't right. Thanks Drizzle! Hope you can help...P.S. she lives right across the street from me.
Drizzle answers:
I'm sorry you've lost a friend. But it sounds like she doesn't want to be friends anymore. Hold a lot of love for her in your heart, and let her go.
Kelsey adds:
This kind of thing has happened to me, too, and I just don't understand it. Someone you love just goes crazy. Suddenly their perception of everything is the opposite of yours, and you haven't got a clue what happened! It's like, did they switch reels in the projection booth? How did we get here?I would sick the loony bin boys on her.
What is the REAL function of daylight savings time?
Ooni answers:
Beats me. Some silly human idea.
Kauli adds:
It has to do with clocks, which is a really silly human idea.
Why am I so shy?
Kelsey answers:
There was a time when I was painfully shy. In high school, all the other girls were cheerleaders with blonde hair, and I was a bookish beanpole with straight black hair. Somewhere along the line I realized they were all complete dufusses, and I had nothing to be shy about. So basically, being shy is just this ego trip where you think you're special and no one will understand you. So get off your trip, you're not so special! Stop feeling so dang sorry for yourself, you pathetic wimp, and stand up for yourself!
How would you suggest I go about making 1 million dollars next year? I'm an American white male with triplet 2 year old girls, so I don't have the kind of distinguishing characteristics you've been able to take advantage of.
Punjabi answers:
If you moved to India, you would have distinguishing characteristics. You could teach people how to cook frozen dinners.
How do I study for a really hard test I have Saturday?
Bob answers:
You know how when you're really scared, like riding a roller coaster or meeting your district supervisor, you remember all the details? Well, see, what I do is I wait till the last minute before I start to study. Then I'm so scared I remember everything. Unless I panic and study the wrong subject.
What is the meaning of Sushi?
Punjabi answers:
For connoisseurs, a delicious delicacy. For the uninitiated, a nauseating abomination. For the sushi chef, both art and commerce. For the fish, the end of the line.
Should I tell my employer to pack sand when I quit next month?
Ruth answers:
Where is he going that he would need sand?
Am I destined to remain in this windowless basement lab?
Marty answers:
I don't know much about windowless basement labs, except what I see in the movies. Are you in the kind of lab where that guy made Frankenstein? If so, are you the doctor or Frankenstein? My answer would depend on that.
Bradley rejoins:
This is a common mistake. The doctor is Dr. Frankenstein. The monster doesn't have a name.
Ruth pipes up:
And stop complaining. Our living room overlooks the car graveyard. I have to shut the curtains all the time anyway.
How do I get my kids to stop fighting with each other?
Ruth answers:
My kids are in their thirties and they still can't sit down at Thanksgiving dinner without getting into some kind of tiff. Last year Marcia threw her yams at Dennis when he said she needed more exercise. But I do know that certain kinds of fish will kill each other. So you might consider putting them in separate aquariums.
Drizzle offers:
Children, like grownups, often react sensitively when they feel their own rights aren't being respected. Children, like grownups, can sometimes get caught in a negative loop, in which each one reacts to the other's hostility with more hostility. They don't enjoy this, but they feel they must somehow defend their honor.The best way to break this loop is to let all the children know how special they are. When everyone feels loved, they don't need to react with hostility. As a busy parent who may feel burned out over all the bickering, this approach may seem the hardest. But try it.
Kelsey, How would you like to go out tonight to grab a bite to eat and see a film. What kind of films do you like? I like action films.
Kelsey answers:
Yeah, I'll bet you do.No thanks. For personal reasons, I'm not interested in any relationships right now.
There's this guy that likes me and he keeps asking me out, but he's such a dweeb. I keep making up excuses. What should I tell him?
Kelsey answers:
Whenever some jerk asks me out, my usual answer is: "For personal reasons, I'm not interested in any relationships right now."
What is your name?
Bob answers:
Hi, Joe. My name is Bob. It's real nice of you to ask. Not many people ask me that, you know. It seems most people either already know, or they don't care. But not you. I'm impressed. While I'm on the subject, this is really fascinating, you know Bob is short for Robert. You might think it would be short for Bobert, but it's not. There's no such name as Bobert. I tell you, these names are really something, huh? Bob is also short for yessireebob, which is one of my favorite sayings.