Past Punchy Advice

June 4 - June 10, 1995

June 4, 1995

Why do fools fall in love?

Every day I look at the man I married, I ask myself that same question.

I've given this question a great deal of thought lately. This whole "romance" thing is a fancy schmansy ideal that we invent to justify biological attraction. I've been a fool in love too many times! I'm looking for friendship.

Well, Kelsey, I'm your friend, you know. Whatdoyasay we go bowling Tuesday night? It's lots of fun. I've got my own shoes, you know. Bowling shoes, I mean.

Thanks, Bob. I'm not really looking for a friendship right now.

Why do so many people think D.O.S. is superior to the Mac?

Uh, Big Macs are okay. But I never heard of "D.O.S." Is it like Burger King?

In other words, don't ask Marty anything about computers.

What is eternal bliss?

Dear Thomas, as you may know from reading my home page, I studied mathematics, not philosophies or religions. However, if eternal bliss exists, it is not part of this world, as nothing in this world is eternal. I find great comfort in knowing this. Because whatever it is, if I had to do it for eternity I would go stark staring bonkers.

June 5, 1995

Why is there no blue food? And, no, blueberries are not blue, they're purple. Thanks for your keen insight.

Thanks for noticing how keen my insight is in the first place. That sure made me feel good. I'm a keener thinker than most people realize, you know. For instance, this thing about no blue food. I've noticed that, too! Yes-siree-Bob, you don't hear many people coming up with that question, do you, except for the rare birds like you and me, Alan. They don't even notice. They just take it for granted, I guess.

Anyway, I have no idea.

What exactly is in curry? How do you prepare a good curry? Can a cat ever be a Dog? What is the best tasting type of Dog? Thanks in advance for your intuitive answers.

As for your first questions, my friend, I invite you to take one of my cooking classes, designed especially for people like yourself. As for your other questions, I advise against eating dog. In America, it is considered a sacred animal, allowed to wander the streets freely.

How do I know if a girl likes me or not?

When she will try any excuse to talk to you. She might even send you e-mail pretending she's a boy, and say her name is your own name spelled backwards. Don't be so shy, Patrice.

How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?

Have you done your homework yet?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is present, does it make a sound? Try your calculator on that one!

Dear Smokerise, I have been hearing people parrot that ridiculous question for most of my life, and frankly, I am sick of it! Everybody knows it would make a sound! If there was a microphone and a tape recorder there, you can bet your #2 pencil that you'd hear it on the tape! The air will vibrate whether or not there's someone there to hear it! What is the point of that ridiculous question? It's just supposed to make me think "Oh isn't he clever?" Well, I think it's stupid! Excuse me, Mr. Big-time Philosopher, but I happen to value my brain highly, and I make every effort to use it wisely, and when some fool comes along and tries to tie it up on some pointless conundrum like that, as if I had nothing better to think about, it just burns my toast! It's a disgraceful misuse of a resource! And don't even think of asking "Which came first, the chicken or..."

Bradley...

Huh? Oh. Sorry.

June 6, 1995

Where do babies come from?

I am constantly amazed. In my home country, by the time someone can type, they know where babies come from.

Why do dogs have fleas?

Why do people have congressmen?

I'm a computer nerd. What should I do to change?

I believe my good friend Bradley would reply, "Why would you want to change?" Bradley is a good example of someone who might be called a nerd, but seems to enjoy his calling greatly. However, if you do feel that something is missing from your life, then I would suggest that you make a list of all the activities you would love to do if you could. This list may give a sense that your priorities have not been in order. If you are a true a nerd, then you possess the capabilities to develop a successful plan for rearranging those priorities to better suit you. Program yourself, my friend!

June 7, 1995

What is the nature of existence?

I only know two kinds of nature. Human nature and Nature nature. I like Nature nature better, but you humans are pretty funny sometimes.

I don't know about the nature of existence, but it sounds pretty boring.

How can I meet chicks?

First of all, I wouldn't let Kelsey hear you say "chicks." She...

Too late, clown. My advice is to rethink your attitude towards women in general. Until then, I hope you don't meet any. If it's chicks you want, visit the chicken ranch!

How high is up?

Somebody asked me already "How fast is fast?" Now you ask me "How high is up?" What do I look like, the bureau of weights and measurements?

Should I be dating co-workers?

Most relationships, my friend, do not succeed. It is not so much that it is dangerous to date co-workers. The problem is that it is dangerous to stop.

I'm not comfortable when someone I work with asks me out. It puts me in the position of having to say no, but still seeing them at work every day.

I wouldn't refuse any of the lovely ladies in my office. That wouldn't be fair, would it?

June 8, 1995

This is a bit of a two parter. The first part is Where should I move? Currently I live in New jersy and as all Humans and (whatever you are) know, New Jersey is no place conducive to a good mental outlook. Second, if I move, should I take my record collection?

Me and Ooni always go where we can raise the most havoc. We live anywhere. There are trees in every country, so you always have something to sleep in.

And if you bring the records, then you need to bring the record player. Then you need to bring a stereo to plug it into. Then you need to bring the bookcase to put it all in. Then you need the speakers, and then you need the plants to sit on top of the speakers.

Throw away all your records and take up playing the coconut shells, like us.

How old am I?

Advice column! Advice column! Read the title. This is an advice column!

Bradley, my friend...

I know! I'm not supposed to yell at the readers! But I am getting sick and tired of these guessing game questions. If this keeps up I'm quitting!

26?

Probably in college. I'll say 20.

How many rings do you have?

24! Hey, this is fun!

Oh, never mind!

June 9, 1995

Why is it that every single time I go to the store I continuously end up in the longest line?

That happens to me, too. I figure it's because God wants me to read the National Enquirer.

You mean the line where the person has 200 double value coupons and then runs out of checks and then she doesn't have enough cash and has to put everything back, and then they discover that she's dating the cashier's ex-husband? That's the line I get in, but it only works when I'm in a hurry. There is a science to picking the right line, I'm sure of it. Sometimes, I try to use strategy. I think, "Hmmm, this line seems like it would be the shortest, and since I'm always wrong, I'll get in the other line." The people in the first line are back on the freeway while I'm still reading about the two-headed baby that both looks like Elvis.

When it rains, am I better off with a hat? Or no hat?

A hat, but if you're bald it doesn't matter.

Bradley, My friend John comes to work and is always wiping his nose on his sleeve. How can I tactfully ask him to stop?

To be the most tactful, I wouldn't say anything. Buy him a box of tissues for his desk. Then the next time he does it, run for a bucket and throw up.

Will I be married? Will I be rich?

What am I? The oracle of Philadelphia?