Alright, Kels, you seem like a strong-willed woman who isn't just going to let some man treat you like some kind of puppet. I'll trust your judgment. Here goes: What could I get for a beautiful, intelligent, independent woman to let her know how I feel about her?
Kelsey answers:
Thanks for the kind words. I'm usually more concerned about what a man takes than what he gives. A good example is "no" for an answer. As for giving me something, a wide berth is most welcome.I appreciate that you have good taste in women. But honestly, the best way to let her know how you feel about her is to just tell her. Trying to ply her with gifts as though that would influence her feelings is like, well... treating her like some kind of puppet.
P.S. A $100 gift certificate for Tower Records would be cool.
Why is the sky blue?
Punjabi starts to answer, but ...
Bradley interrupts:
Don't even think of answering that question!
Ooni butts in:
Because it's a boy!
Bradley mutters:
Grrrrrrr.
Ruth concludes:
The sky is blue because way up high it doesn't get enough air.
Should I stay or should I go?
Bob answers:
Hmm, that's a toughy, James. If you stay, then maybe everyone else will go, and you'll be left there all alone. If you go, maybe after you leave everyone will come and have a party. I would check the bulletin board.
Bradley wonders:
What are you talking about?
What do I need to do to improve my business?
Alphonzo answers:
I notice you didn't say what business you're in. That's the first rule, you gotta notice things like that. That's why I'm good at business. It don't do much good having a business if you don't tell people what business you're in. That's why you're not good in business. You could've got a little free advertising just now, like "How can I improve my business selling stuffed armadillos, call 1-800-555-234." Unless you're ashamed of it. I had some businesses that I didn't want to tell anyone about.Beyond that, all you need is a good suit, and don't make your business cards on the Xerox machine.
Ooni adds:
Alphonzo should know about successful businesses. He's the founder of Farting Telegrams.
Which way is up?
Bob answers:
North. Hope that helps!
Should I have one last fling before I get married (I'm engaged now)?
Kelsey answers:
Dear Auric, if I were your fiancée and I knew you were considering that, I'd say go right ahead. Fling yourself off the nearest bridge.
What should I do tomorrow?
Ooni answers:
Put it off till the next day.
In what direction should I move?
Punjabi answers:
Pardon me, my friend, but were you speaking to me? I seem to have missed the beginning of this conversation.
Is it OK to wear white tails at a black tie party?
Alphonzo answers:
I love it when women wear tails. I'll never forget Trudy Debutte wearing that slinky tiger outfit to the Halloween dance back in '68. I guess as long as you wear a black tie, you can wear whatever else you want.
What is the relationship of Zeno's Paradox and Playboy magazine?
Punjabi answers:
Ah, a fellow mathematician! For those readers unfamiliar with this paradox, Zeno posits that Motion is Impossible, because no matter how many times you go half the distance between yourself and your destination, you get closer and closer, but you never actually reach your destination.Nihongo, I was reluctant to reply to what appears to be a riddle to which you already have a humourous answer. But upon much meditation, I offer Punjabi's paradox:
Playboy proves that Satisfaction is Impossible. You keep coming and coming, but you're never there.What is your answer?
How come when my girlfriend notices that I have something in my eye, she feels that it is her job to stick her finger there without telling me first (ouch!).
Kelsey answers:
Maybe she thinks you're a man and you can handle it.
Alphonzo adds:
That's nothin'. My ex-wife used to clean out my toenails while I was sleeping.
Ruth adds:
You're lucky. Marty wouldn't lift a finger if I had the dining room table in my eye!
As you once did, I have come to this country to study mathematics. I expect to finish my doctorate about a year from now and then will be faced with a dilemma: should I stay in academics where the next few years would mean long hours, low pay and no job security or should I give up my intellectual pretensions and go after a job in investment banking, perhaps going against my true dharma but making the big bucks? (Please use "Aryabhata" instead of my real name lest my advisor should find out.)
Punjabi answers:
Dear "Aryabhata,"I do not presume to know what would bring you happiness, my friend. But you phrase your question with such language that you might as well ask, "Which should I do, spend the rest of my life in a fetid slime pit or in a tropical paradise?" Consider, please, that perhaps your true dharma is to give up your "intellectual pretensions." There is nothing shameful about the application of derivative formulas to calculate volatility as a prime indicator of the over/undervaluation of soybean futures, from which I have derived some not immodest sums.
P.S. Every child growing up in India learns of the legendary Aryabhata, the earliest known Hindu mathematician, from whom you have taken your nickname. As one who developed the study of algebra, astronomy, spherical and planar trigonometry, derived an accurate representation of pi, and who taught that the Earth rotated on its axis, Aryabhata devoted his studies not to the pursuit of knowledge as an end to itself, but towards practical, useful applications. Might you not be happier following his example?
Why do Americans and English have such different senses of humour?
Kelsey answers:
From your spelling, apparently you're British. One difference I've noticed is the British try hard to be civilized, and so they are masters of the back-handed insult. So if you're trying to say you don't think we're funny, why don't you just come out with it?
How do I find more time in the day?
Drizzle answers:
David, being an Elf myself, I have some difficulty with this human notion that there is not enough time. It must be something in either human nature or your educational system that causes you to feel guilty that you can't do more than you already do in a single day. This must be very frustrating!I will tell you a story. Once a little boy found a magical chocolate apple growing on a tree. He prized this treasure so much, he could not bear to eat it. So instead he hid it in a wooden box in the back of his closet. But he resolved to spend the rest of his life looking for a source of more chocolate apples. He took many jobs during his life, but all these were mere stepping-stones to support his search. Finally, in the later years of his life, having never found a single match to his original find, he decided it was time to take the chocolate apple out of its box and enjoy it. But he discovered that the ants had long since made off with it, and he was left with nothing.
We are only given so much time. Wouldn't it be a pity to waste it wishing we had more?
Bradley responds:
That's nice, Drizzle, but I don't have enough time! Maybe you'd like to come over and cook?
I recently went gambling for the first time in my life. I lost quite a bit of money. But I had so much fun I had to do it again! So I went again the next day. I won all my money back and more again! Am I addicted to gambling?
Bradley answers:
I would not call it an addiction unless you were continually losing money and doing it anyway. It's important to keep track of your wins and losses over the long haul. This takes a bit of bookwork. Are you looking for a good accountant?P.S. By the way, how much money did you say you won?
What is the meaning of life?
Stone Head answers:
None of your damn business.
Where are all the fish?
Ooni answers:
I don't know, but if you wait ten minutes without pressing any keys, they might come back!
I am in love with a boy who is one year older than me. We were going steady for a long time. But then someone told him I fooled around with his older brother, which wasn't true, and he broke up! He says it's because it's summer and we never get to see each other! But I'm deeply in love! I want him back! How can I get him back!?
Kelsey answers:
Don't worry, Tiff. We don't stay teenagers forever. Which is a darn good thing because I'm almost 30 and if I still worried about how to get every man back that I was ever deeply in love with, and why they left or what somebody told them or what season it was, well, I wouldn't have time to hold down a job or sleep or brush my teeth and all my hair would have fallen out by now.
Why don't people look on the inside before the outside? It makes it hard to find a decent boyfriend.
Ruth answers:
Very few people really see me on the inside, among them my dentist and my proctologist, and if you ask me, the fewer the better.
Is your first love your best love?
Alphonzo answers:
Oh definitely. My first love was... what was her name? Ellie or something. Well, come to think of it, she used to chew her hair... Wait a minute, was that Connie? No, Beverly was my first love, but she really hated my guts. What was the question?
Kelsey adds:
Your first love is the most powerful! The stupifying, hallucinogenic effect of first love upon your unsuspecting psyche creates a more intense delusion of joy than you will ever feel again.Which is good and bad, but as I said yesterday, I'm awfully dang glad to be over the worst of it.
Bradley adds:
When I'm in love, it's always the best one. (Sarah and I are now up to 500 e-mails! And I still haven't met her or talked to her on the phone. But she's so wonderful. She really understands me!)
Dear Punjabi - I am shortly to give birth to quintuplets. Being an admirer of your euphonious appellation, can you suggest some names? There are two girls and three boys.
Punjabi answers:
If you like my name, a map of India will suggest numerous possibilities.