Past Punchy Advice

June 18 - 24, 1995

June 18, 1995

My boyfriend acts like he loves me, but doesn't say it. Should I ask him if he loves me, or assume actions speak louder than words?

Does he offer to help when you go the kitchen for something? Does he keep denying you have a weight problem no matter how much you pressure him? Does he just listen to you when you've had a bad day? Does he like the way you cook the fish? Does he not bring up your old boyfriends? Does he make you dinner with more than three ingredients? Does he tell you that you have some broccoli between your teeth before you're about to go out in public, but not when you two are alone?

If the answer the all these questions is yes, it doesn't matter what he says. He loves you.

If not, make him talk.

How come whenever I like a girl she doesn't really like me, but girls I don't like like me?

That's the perversity of romance.

Think of it mathematically. If you only like, say, one out of ten people well enough to go out with, and similarly that person only likes one out of ten, then the odds are only one-in-a-hundred that you will both like each other! Stastistically speaking, it's amazing there are couples at all!

We Mekaloonies do that to people when we're bored. He-he-he-he-he!!!

Perhaps one quality that attracts you is unavailability.

I hate my school, but my parents LOVE it. I am still living at home, and I really need to get away. Should I risk my life by telling my parents I want to leave, or should I just leave? Or should I stay?...I am really lost!

We Mekaloonies don't do school. We figure if you don't learn about it in real life, it's not important!

But they also live in trees. If you want a car and a nice place to live, dear, stay in school.

You may not like your school, but it is doing wonders. Yours was one of the few e-mails we get that contained no spelling or punctation errors, and believe me, I notice those things!

Stay in school, but stand up! Fight for change! Tell your parents what you don't like. Make it a better school!

I want to procrastinate right now. How can I do that?

Americans are impatient about everything.

June 19, 1995

Everybody says I'm a beautiful girl, but I don't think so. And besides, if I was so beautiful how come I don't have a boyfriend? My mom says it is because I'm too shy with guys. What should I do?

Anybody who doesn't have feathers sticking out of the top of their head and fur around their wrists is pretty funny-looking to me.

First of all, hon, just because you don't have a boyfriend doesn't mean anything! I don't have a boyfriend. The last thing anyone needs is a boyfriend (or a girlfriend) to prove that they're good-looking!

If everybody thinks you're beautiful, I wouldn't disagree with them. That's all beauty is anyway, it's what people think. So if they think so, you are. And it doesn't matter that much anyway.

It sounds to me like you're not happy with yourself for some reason, and it has nothing to do with how you look. Being down on yourself is the hardest thing to get over, because you get down on yourself for being down on yourself, and that makes it worse instead of better.

My advice is to treat yourself like your own best friend. You know how when you meet someone you really like, you want to know all about them? You want to know what their favorite food is, and their favorite bands. Take some time all by yourself, go for long walks someplace really beautiful, take yourself out on a date. Maybe even keep a journal. Explore what you love and what you hate. There's no right or wrong here, it's just what you like. You'll find out more about who you are, and that you're actually a pretty cool person. After a while you're start feeling pretty cool, and you won't need anyone else to prove it to yourself. And then, watch out, because everyone will fall in love with you.

Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?

I give up. Why?

Why did humans base their numbering systems on the number 10?

It is generally agreed that the decimal system derives from people having 10 fingers. However, conclusive research has never been done on the natural numbering systems of cartoon characters, so this theory has not been proven.

June 20, 1995

I am thinking about becoming a Canadian citizen. Do you think that is a good idea?

Not to be nosy, but what citizenship are you now? Why you are considering switching? Is there a woman involved, perhaps? Do you just like Canadians, or their weather, or have you done something illegal?

I am currently a citizen of the USA who thinks Canada and Canadians are hell cool. I would like to have a woman involved, but at present that is not a part of the picture. However, Meg Tilly lives in Vancouver and Anne of Green Gables lives on Prince Edward Island. Not that I know them or expect to have anything going on with them in the future; just an example of the coolness of Canada. Also: X-Files and 21 Jump Street are/were filmed there, the metric system, the revolutionary Quebecois, and hockey. All those are very very hip and cool things about Canada. Plus Brian Adams, Loverboy, Anne Murray, and Michael J. Fox... Canada man, be there or be square.

Sometimes the place we're born and raised in doesn't feels as much like "home" as some other place. It sounds to me like you should not only become a citizen, you should head up the Canadian Ministry of Boosterism.

Personally I wouldn't be that influenced one way or the other by Michael J. Fox. But my dear beloved e-mail sweetheart Sarah lives in Calgary! I've never been there, but if she would only tell me her last name or where she lives, I would visit her in a New York minute!

A two-part question: Part A: How do you advise your students when they get 'pi' and 'pie' mixed up in your cooking class? Part B: Has Ruth ever taken one of your cooking classes?

Part A: It has not happened, but I would tell them they exhibited special talents and would recommend that they take my advanced private tutoring. Part B: Fortunately Ruth's doctor dissuades her from ingesting spicy foods; otherwise Part "A" might well have happened.

P.S. It is a mathematical curiosity that while pi and e are both constants, when multiplied together, they produce not another constant, but a traditional dessert, giving rise to the theory that Constants are Impossible, otherwise known as Sara Lee's Paradox. But like most people, I am not very amused by math humor.

June 21, 1995

My long-time sweetie went out to play poker without me, and it really ticked me off. He gave me flowers to make me feel better, with a note that said "I could do no less if I tried." What does that mean??

It means he's no William Shakespeare. Put the note in the trash and the flowers in a nice vase.

I think he means he's sorry, and the flowers are the least he can do to make it up to you. I think it's sweet that you like going out and playing poker with him! If I were him, I sure would appreciate that. (It must be nice to have a girlfriend you can actually see.)

How does one kill a 900-pound grizzly Bear ?

Oh my. I really don't know.

Dear readers, let this be a lesson to you. In case of an emergency, use your last precious moments to dial 911. Don't send e-mail.

I've finally met a decent guy after two years of searching. My bad relationships from the past have made me insecure. I'm afraid that my insecurities are going to drive my new boyfriend away. What should I do?

Put your insecurities in the back seat and they won't drive your boyfriend away. They might drive you crazy but they won't be able to steer you wrong.

There is a one-word answer to your problem: Honesty. Be up-front with him about your insecurities. If he has any compassion, he'll understand what you've been through and why you might be afraid it would happen again. Explain that you don't want to direct your fears towards him. He won't understand that unless you tell him, but if you do tell him, your honesty will open up a place for him to get closer to you.

This Honesty thing, I keep forgetting about it myself, and then suddenly I'm reminded what a powerful thing it is! We all crave it from other people, and yet we're so often afraid to give it, because we're worried it make us look like a weird person, or a mean person. We want to look all nice and perfect and wart-free.

And if you're in the business world like me, Honesty is a foreign concept. I'm not talking about dis-honesty, but about less-than--honesty. Business in the 90's is all about image, the powerful corporate front. When was the last time you read an honest business letter?

It may go against your training, but give Honesty a shot.

June 22, 1995

I've been seeing this girl for two years now, and while we have everything it takes to make a relationship work, she's afraid that things will change and get worse. How can I make her see this relationship is good for the both of us?

She's right. Things will get worse. This is your job, bubie. Convince her things will only get so worse.

Bradley, I'm applying for a position outside of sales, in my firm, where I have worked for a year. My worry is that if I don't get this promotion, they'll fire me from my existing sales position, because it's evident that I want out of sales. Should I go for it, or do nothing?

Whatever. I suppose, yes.

Bradley's a little distracted lately, for some reason. If you want out of sales, then you owe it to yourself, your company, and your customers to move on to something you enjoy more. Never assume the job you have is the only one you'll ever be able to get.

One of my rules as a Great Boss is, if I hire a guy because he's a good whatchadoer, and now he says he's really a great thingabobber, I don't care! He's a whatchadoer in my book, and he'll always be a watchadoer! If he was such a great thingabobber, I would have hired him as a thingabobber, and I'm management. I'm never wrong!

Nope. Once you got the business cards printed, that's that.

Which suggests that it might not be a bad idea to put out some feelers elsewhere at the same time.

Does anyone know a Sarah T. in Calgary?

June 23, 1995

Dear Gentle Drizzle, my husband's sister is one of the nicest women I know. She's cute, too. She would love to marry and have children, but she's so shy she can't seem to meet any eligible men. She clams up around strangers until she's been around them five or six times. What, if anything, can I do to help her?

All my relatives, being elves, are naturally very reclusive. I'm the most out-going of the lot. So to me, being somewhat shy is perfectly normal.

I cannot really answer your question unless I know how your sister-in-law feels about this. Does she see her shyness as an obstacle? Please write back.

I prefer shy women! I feel so much more comfortable with them. They understand me, and they're just generally sweeter.

The only problem is when they're so shy they refuse to tell you their last name or give out their phone number and let you talk to them on the phone and all you can do is keep sending e-mail and you don't know if you're ever going to meet them, and you love them and all you want is to be with them! Sarah, I love you!!!!

Bradley, hon, listen. I've been watching you going through this e-mail thing with this "Sarah" person for weeks now, and I hate to say anything, but... aren't you taking it a bit too far? It's only e-mail. You've never even met her. It's kind of weird...

I don't need to meet her! I know her soul! I feel her heart beating, though it be in distant Calgary — in another country, yet! And I know not how to find her! What torture!!!

June 24, 1995

Kauli, What's the best way to break a bad habit (like watching too much TV or playing on my computer too much)?

If I play with something long enough, it usually breaks. So, do that with your habits. Play with them really hard!

Or put 'em in a sack and hit 'em with a hammer!

Or check them in as luggage marked "Fragile!"

Or shine a bright light in their face and give them only water, and keep playing Barry Manilow albums until they sign a confession!

How long is long?

Okay! That's it! Nobody takes this seriously! I've tried to help people here, and we keep getting these stupid riddle questions!!! Let the Mekaloonies answer them! I've had it up to here!!! Doesn't anybody bother to read the past advice? I told you if this keeps up, I'm quitting, and I've just been stifling it. So that's it! I'm out of here! Goodbye! It's been great.

And I'm shutting up my accounting office, too! I'm getting in the car and driving to Calgary! Sarah is the only one who understands!

Bradley, hey, chill out... Bradley? Bradley, you can't just leave...

Let him go, my friends. Bradley must satisfy his own dharma.

"Tinman" asks Bradley:

What came first, the chicken or the egg?