Past Punchy Advice

June 25 - July 1, 1995

June 25, 1995

I seem to be a flop with women. When I finally get enough courage to talk to them, I have nothing to say. My problem is low self-esteem when it comes to women, but what can I do about it?

I'll cover this one, gang. Marv, I used to have this problem myself. But then I took up magic tricks. Now, if I meet a really beautiful woman and I want to talk to her, I just hold out my deck and say "Pick a card!" Nine times out of ten — I swear this is true — she'll pick a card! After I guess her card, she's really impressed of course. (It's really a trick, you see. I'll tell you about that later if you like.) But then she'll look at me with this expectant look on her face, and — get this, Marv — now she doesn't know what to say! The old shoe is really on the other foot now, boy.

My problem is I haven't figured out what to do next.

Oh brother! For a start, guys, it would help if you'd stop thinking about women as some sort of exotic challenge, like conquering Mount Everest.

Your problem is not self-esteem. The problem is you're too self-obsessed. All you can think of is how you feel: "I'm a flop with women, I never have anything to say." Just get off it and get real. Find things you share in common with people you meet, instead of looking for differences.

My boyfriend is an overall good guy, except for one thing. When I get upset, and I tell him why, he just sits there and doesn't say anything. He never says that he is sorry, or shares how he feels. The next day, however, I can tell that he is sorry by the way he acts. And he changes his behavior and doesn't do the same thing again. It is frustrating not being able to talk things out and find out how he feels, though. What should I do?

I know just what you mean! A lot of guys just cannot speak the language of emotions. It makes you want to get a giant blackboard and draw a big happy face on it, and say real slow: "Hap-py!" Then draw a sad face, and say "Sad!" Until they start to get the idea.

But he sounds like a neat guy who wants to make things work. I had a lover like that. I thought at first he didn't have any emotions, but I finally realized that when we fought he was tortured! He just couldn't show it. I don't really understand it, but I think that guys like that just need to know its okay to feel their feelings, and for that they need a lot of support and love. And that's hard on you when you're already upset, but that's the only thing I have to say.

I wish Bradley were here. We could ask him.

June 26, 1995

What are friends really for? They may know, but when the time comes, they always seem to forget.

Oh, my. I hope this isn't from Shirley.

Shirley and Hal are the nice young couple that live next door. Shirley and her three kids all came down with the chicken pox, and then her husband broke his arm when he was stringing patio lights and fell off the ladder and landed on the hibachi.

I kept meaning to go over and help, but first I made chicken soup to bring over but Marty ate half of it and left the rest out where the cat could get at it. And of course Marty gets mad at the cat! As if Fluff was supposed to take a little and put the rest back in the refrigerator! Then that was the day I left my glasses in the car wash. I was reading a magazine in the waiting room. I had excellent vision all my life until I was 50, you know. And then they started printing the newspaper smaller...

Get to the point, Ruth.

Well anyway, I was in such a state over my glasses, I forgot all about Shirley and Hal for a whole week, and then when I remembered, I felt so guilty, I couldn't bring myself to even call them up on the telephone! So now it's been, what, a whole month already I haven't talked to them.

I think I'll make some more chicken soup. Shirley, if that is you, I'll be right over. Better late than never.

Did I answer the question?

Yes, Ruth, and very well. But I would add this thought:

It is one thing to know that you can count on the support of good friends, but it is another to assume they will always spring to your aid. They are friends, after all, not staff.

June 27, 1995

I've met this wonderful girl who is intelligent, kind, and beautiful. The problem is that she has fancy tastes and virtually every restaurant and nightclub she likes requires all patrons to wear shoes! I'm going broke slipping maitre'd's extra tips so I can go barefoot! Should I keep doling out huge tips? Or should I dump my true love and hope I find a woman who is not so particular where her boyfriend takes her?

If you ask me, you should go back to that nice girl you used to hang out with. What was her name? Jane?

What does the inside of your brain look like?

I don't know. It hurts when I roll my eyeballs back that far.

I'm a college student and I have never dated a guy before. Part of this is due to the fact that my father does not approve and I don't want to upset him by going out, but also, since I have never had experience with guys, I don't know how to act around them. What do you suggest?

First of all, I'd suggest that if you're in college, you might be old enough to make your own decisions about whether to be dating. Leave your father out of it. Unless this is some kind of cultural thing that as an American I don't understand.

As far as how to "act" around guys: don't act! We're talking real life here. If you act a certain way, some guy will fall in love with your part, not you.

See, guys are all different, and you never know what they're going to like. Take Bradley, for instance. He's given his heart to a woman on the basis of her e-mail, and now he's running off to try and find her. Yes, that's nuts, but I think it's kind of sweet. Don't you? So be real, and some guy like Bradley will... I mean, the right guy will find you.

But what do I know?

June 28, 1995

We still have not heard from Bradley, who by now has certainly arrived in Calgary, in Alberta, Canada, to seek out a woman named Sarah T., with whom he has been sharing an intense e-mail correspondence for several months. The last we heard, they had shared over 500 e-mails, but he has never met her or even spoken with her on the phone. He has no idea what she looks like, nor does he have her address or phone number or last name (except that it begins with "T".) However, Bradley feels that Sarah understands him, and that they would be perfect together, if only she weren't so shy.

Should I take a wild vacation this summer?

By golly, Al, you've really hit home with that one! I've had my nose to the old grindstone all year long, and boy oh boy I'll tell you, I could really stand a little R&R if you catch me drift. I used to think R&R meant railroad. But it really means rest and recreation. Because I'm not a big train fan or anything. Some people are. Some people really like trains. To me they're just big and noisy, but they're all right.

Oh, yeah, back to this vacation thing. I think you've got a really good idea there. I could stand to have a wild hair once in a while myself. Like, what if I really cut loose this summer and went someplace like Disneyland! Hey, whatdoyasay we go together? Wouldn't that be fun, Al? Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life for me, eh, Al?

I keep finding things to do on my computer that's NOT work. I still do my work, but I'm increasingly distracted by the WWW, e-mail, Hearts, DOOM, writing for advice, etc. etc. I don't clean my house, wash my dishes, I've stopped seeing my friends. Help!

If this talisman holds such power over you, you must destroy it by fire, by metal, by water, by earth or by air. This must be done before the next sun rises in the East.

And don't give me any "But-I-need-it-for-my-work!" crap!

My cousin Stewart and I had this huge debate and I'd like you to settle it! If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it ...

Stop! You better not be making fun of Bradley! He's expressed himself quite clearly on this question. If you're deliberately baiting him, I'll personally track you down and...!

Sorry. Out of line. It's been a rough couple of days for me, okay? I only hope Bradley doesn't see your question here! But if he does, well, Bradley, we're pulling for you! Be safe!

(Oh, man, I really flew off the handle there, didn't I? Maybe I need to get away.)

Great idea, Kelsey. Wanna go to Disneyland with me?

June 29, 1995

Dear readers, before we begin, I first want to apologize for my behavior in yesterday's column. I was on the verge of actually threatening "Stumped" with bodily harm, because I thought... well, it doesn't matter. "Stumped" wrote back and was extremely upset, but we've both since apologized. But I promise not to get in any arguments with the readers again!

I have a friend who won't stop bugging me. What should I do?

Tell your friend you need a thousand dollars for your intestinal hernia operation. You'd be amazed how many friends I lost!

Ask if she wants cream in her coffee, then put spinach in it instead!

Every time she comes over, spray her with room freshener!

Leave big wads of tissue hanging from your nostrils!

I have been seeing a really great guy for a couple of years now. Everything has been going great...I am divorced and have two girls, whom he obviously adores. We have been living together for about six months. He loves me, and tells me and shows me that he does every day. But I would like to get married someday, and I don't know how he feels about it or how to approach him. Besides, I'm afraid that I have taken away his desire to get married by living with him, kinda like "having your cake and eating it too." What do you think?

You live with each other and love each other, and you have no idea how the other feels about marriage? Don't you ever turn off the TV and just talk to each other? Hello!

Hey gang, I'm in Calgary! I'm having a great time. I love my work, but it's nice to get away once in a while. Last night I got takeout from a nice Italian restaurant and ate my fettucini in the park watching the sunset.

Haven't found Sarah yet, but I'm getting close! I know her service provider from her e-mail address, of course, so I went to their office and begged and pleaded for her phone number, but they refused me.

So today I went to Plan B, but I can't let Sarah know what it is! Sarah, PLEASE just write to me! It would make it so much easier! I LOVE you!!!

Anyway, tonight I'm going to this nightclub again where they have a really cool band. I danced all night last night!

Ciao, everyone!

Good to hear from you Bradley! Gald you're having a good time.

How can I get back at my older brother after he wins an argument?

Oh, that's just great! You want to retaliate because you're wrong! Maybe you should try arguing less and not making such an idiot out of yourself!

"Gald" you're having a good time?

Huh? Glad. Sorry, typo. Glad you're having a dood time! Good time!

June 30, 1995

Kelsey was not feeling well, and spent most of the day in bed watching old romantic comedies from the video store. Nothing serious, she says. Just the cruds. You know, that thing that's going around.

Should I ask my friend Lori out even though she has a boyfriend?

I don't have much personal experience with that, but I can tell you about making fruitcake. After you bake it, you know, you soak it in brandy and wrap it in cloth, put it in a can and stick it in the back of the cupboard behind the potatoes for at least two months. A year is better. I'm always so surprised when I remember I made fruitcake!

That's my point. Do up your fruitcake now, enjoy it later — when it's time.

So don't ask her out. Tell her you think she's very nice and that her boyfriend is a very lucky man.

Ruth always says fruitcake improves with age. All I know is, the longer I put off eating it the happier I am.

I think she's right. Nobody under the age of 40 can stand the stuff.

Hey, gang! Calgary is a beautiful town! You should all come out and visit it!

The most amazing thing happened today. I was playing frisbee in the park with this dog I met. I always hated playing frisbee, but I never tried it with a dog before! The dog was only interested in chasing the frisbee and bringing it back, so if I missed where I was aiming, he didn't even know! And I never had to worry about catching! This is my kind of frisbee! I think I will get a dog when I get home.

So I'm playing with this dog and this woman comes up and says, "Excuse me, is your name Bradley?" I nearly had a heart attack because I thought it might be Sarah! But she said her name was Sandy and she recognized me from the column.

So we had a pleasant lunch together. She works in a little clothing store. I bought a pair of short pants. I always hated wearing short pants but she talked me into it.

Gotta run now; I'm going to "Loose Moose Theater Company." I hear it's very funny! But Sarah, if you're reading this, please write! The guys will forward my mail, okay?

July 1, 1995

Punjabi, I have a boyfriend whose parents are from India. I am from a Northern European background. How do I get his mother to like me?

Here are some general guidelines:

1. Take off your shoes when entering the home.
2. Be conservative in dress and speech.
3. Don't talk too much. Let the mother do the talking. Be a good listener.
4. Bringing flowers would be a nice gesture
5. Assist the mother -- offer help around the kitchen, washing dishes, etc.
6. At the table and in other 'sharing' situations, offer to the mother first before taking for yourself, then take just enough food to get started. Do not begin with the quantity you think you want to eat for the whole meal.
7. Be extremely helpful and humble.
8. And most importantly: don't pretend to like sitar music.

Sophia, I'm sure you will do fine. May I say you must be a wonderful woman to show this concern. Your boyfriend is a very lucky man.

Dear Punchy Gang: I am having the best time, but I'm planning to start home this weekend.

I had this brilliant plan, if I do say so myself. I got a Calgary phone book and started calling all the people with a last name beginning with "T" and a first name of "Sarah" or initial "S". I identified myself as an employee of the service provider, inquiring about the bill for her "saraht" account. I got over halfway through the listings, and didn't find her, and suddenly I thought: "Why am I doing this? Why am I going to all this trouble for a woman that doesn't want me? Where is my self-esteem, anyway?

So I took myself out to lunch again, and met this wonderful woman who makes her living giving rides in a hot air balloon. She took me up at sunset. He-he-he!

I enjoy "experimenting." Back in my day we could basically "tune in, turn on, and drop out." How can I bring about peace, love, and happiness to the world without having the police banging down my door? Thanks for your advice. Peace and Love.

My friend, I find peace in turning off the television, planting my garden, and taking long hikes in the hills. I find love in the flight of the birds, the multitude of colors that speckle the hills, and in opening my heart to others.

It is perhaps characteristically American doublespeak to say you want one thing — peace and love — when it seems you are really looking for another — an isolating, temporary, and artificial euphoria. Clarify what you are searching for, then good luck.

Kelsey says she needs another day in bed.