Past Punchy Advice

July 2 - 8, 1995

July 2, 1995

What is the secret of the universe and why is it a secret? I mean, who is benefiting by keeping this a secret?

Do you think anyone would tell a paranoid like you?

I have a friend who is always interrupting me when we talk. What should I do?

I don't know, dear. That never happens to me. But I once had a friend named Evey. Her late husband Roger used to interrupt her all the time before he died. She used to get very frustrated

Hey, Ruth, where's the oatmeal?

In the pantry. She'd be right in the middle of a story of who she met at the supermarket, and Roger would say, "Guess who I met at the barbershop?"

It's not in the pantry, Ruth.

Well I just bought some, so it's around somewhere. And then Roger would tell all about his own story. It was very confusing because I never got to hear the end of any of her ...

You put it in the refrigerator again, Ruth.

...own stories. After the funeral she spent three weeks telling the endings. But fortunately, I don't have that problem.

July 3, 1995

Bradley returned from Calgary last night, tired but content.

I am insanely jealous of my best friend. She gets all the attention and I get none. I don't want to pull stunts to make people pay attention to me, but I might have to soon....HELP!

What's wrong with stunts? I had the same problem with my friend Tony when I was your age. Tony had big muscles and a lot of hair, and when he told a stupid joke everybody laughed, even if I told the same joke yesterday and nobody laughed. He was getting all the dates. Then when my friend Marge started going out with Tony, I left a suicide note. I parked my car near the bridge over the river and hung my hat on the railing, and caught a cab to the train station and left town.

Well, the next day I realized I still needed my car, and all my clean pants were in my apartment, and it was only three days to my next paycheck. So I went to the police department and told them I was still alive. They said, "So what?" Turns out my car was still on the bridge. For cryin' out loud, nobody noticed I was dead!

Well, maybe stunts aren't the greatest. Rumors are good. Spread malicious rumors about your friend.

Don't worry too much that people don't notice you. Sometimes it takes people a long time to notice someone special in their own back yard.

I wrote before (June 18, 1995) about how I hated my school and wanted to quit. I want everyone to know that I did stand up to my parents and I am changing schools. Thank you, Ruth and Kelsey!

There you go! Congratulations.

What should I do about my emotionally devastated ex-boyfriend? I just broke up with him four days ago. Now he has started his major depression mode and is crying all the time. How do I know this? Well, I still call him every once in a while. Is that okay? Or should I just give him some time to recooperate? Your advice is well respected. Sincerely, Juliette

There's really nothing you can do, Juliette. He'll get over it on his own, when he feels like it. In the meantime, you might be confusing him by calling him up. If you're breaking up, you need to say goodbye.

Suggest that he take a little vacation and bring a frisbee. If he doesn't have a dog, borrow one. It works wonders, believe me. And by the way, the word is "recuperate."

It's good to have you back, Bradley.

July 4, 1995

My husband tells me that refusing to have children is a selfish act. I tell him that knowing I don't want them and having them anyway would be much more selfish, so avoiding them is actually an unselfish act. Who is right?

Jeez, I don't know! I don't know much about having kids. I only had two and that was a long time ago, except they still ask me for money. The wife at the time and me weren't exactly thinking along the lines of being selfish or not.

But come to think of it, priests and nuns don't have kids, and nobody calls them selfish for that. And besides, would you be more unselfish if you had more kids? I mean, would it be better to have 2,000 kids than just two? Like I said, I don't know.

Everyone has a different path to follow. Many great spiritual leaders were childless. Many others find the raising of children to be a blessed and joyous act of love.

Somebody's got to do it.

How do you feel about having kids, Bradley?

Kids? Gee, I just got started looking for a dog!

Hey, glad you're feeling better, Kelsey. (And Bradley, glad to see you back on the job.) Kelsey, my husband carries his recent x-ray of his intestines next to our wedding and kid's pictures in his wallet which he sits on all day. But he doesn't carry my recent brain-scan picture, too. Is this because he loves me, or should I be insulted?

I wouldn't worry about it. Unless he starts carrying the receptionist's brain-scan picture.

Why is it that when you hang out with a guy, people automatically think you're seeing this guy???

No matter how much people may know, they will think what they want to think.

July 5, 1995

Glad you're back, Bradley, even if you didn't find Sarah. What kind of dog are you going to get? And what are you going to name it?

I think the Calgary dog was a samoyed or something, but I'm not good at dog identification. Right now I'm still catching up on all the accounting clients I missed last week.

What's a good kind of dog? Recommendations, anyone?

I have known this girl for two years. She's nice, and thoughtful too. We weren't that close at first, but after a year I learned that she's OK to be with. I am aware that she does not want to have any relationships as of now. It may sound silly but I am content to have her as a friend. Because of this I have made some moves to spend more time with her and talk to her. It went well for a week. We were talking as if we had been friends for a long time. But after that week something changed. I don't know if it was my imagination but I felt that she was giving me the cold shoulder. I want to talk to her about it but she seems busy with her studies as I am. I don't want to add to her problems by being a pest, so now I am wondering what to do.

Allen, you and thousands of others suffer from Mr. Nice Guy syndrome. You say you don't want to be a pest, but the truth is that you're afraid to open up with her for fear she'll reject you. Being honest is risky, because it makes you vulnerable.

And let's get real. It's great that you want to be friends, but I'll bet there's at least a whiff of sexual attraction going on here. You're trying to be nice by pretending it's not there. But you can't really be close friends if you deny your feelings. It's okay to tell her you're attracted to her and still be friends.

So something changed, but you're too busy being nice to ask what it was. It could be that she interpreted your aloof "niceness" as disinterest on your part, and she may be hurt that you didn't express your affection more. Or the opposite: she may have sensed your hidden let's-get-it-on vibes cloaked under the guise of let's-be-friends, and she felt betrayed by your duplicity.

Fortunately, Allen, there is a cure for Mr. Nice Guy-itis, and that is Honesty. Be honest till it hurts. (It doesn't really hurt that much.)

Hey, Bradley. I was thinking. I could help you look for a dog, okay?

Really? Oh yeah, that might be fun.

July 6, 1995

Well Bradley, there are several things to think about in selecting the right dog. If you want to play frisbee, you want to make sure the dog is bigger than the frisbee -- no Chihuahuas or other toy dogs. And you don't want a dog that swallows your frisbee — no St. Bernards or Great Danes. Next, you have to consider what dog would be good for business: Would people take you seriously as an accountant with a poodle? Am I helping?

Mmm, sort of.

Should I exhale?

Every so often, yes. I'm sorry if that wasn't clear to you.

Bradley, concerning your recent adventure in Calgary, how can you be sure that what you were feeling for this girl (Sarah, right?) was really love? I mean, how can you fall in love with someone you only knew by e-mail?

I've been thinking about this a lot. I know I was in love, because it felt wonderful! But I had imagined all sorts of things about Sarah, especially that she would be happy to meet me. I was wrong about that, and I realize now I was probably wrong about most of what I imagined. So I guess I fell in love with someone from my own imagination.

I feel pretty stupid about that. Owning a poodle would be nothing compared to the professional embarassment I am currently suffering with my clients.

But on the other hand, I'm sort of proud that my imagination could invent such a wonderful human being. It makes me think that maybe I have a lot of those neat qualities in me. Whoever Sarah was, I like myself a little better now. Kelsey even told me that I seem happier and more confident since I got back. Hmm.

So I think it's okay to fall in love with love, even if the person you think you're falling in love with isn't the person you think they are.

I hate to say this, but it's like, if a person falls in love in the forest and no one is there to feel it, did it make a vibration? He-he, I think so!

July 7, 1995

I admit to "fear." Who can blame me? I've been rejected before and I don't know if I'm ready to take a risk again.

You were also right about my feelings for her. I realize now that I was attempting to take that "risk" in the least vulnerable way. I played it safe and somehow I've been fooling myself.

Right now both of us are busy in our studies so I'm taking it slowly for now. Is that OK?

Anything you do is "okay," but it might not get you what you really want. Let's get one thing straight: just because someone is afraid to do something has nothing to do with whether or not they can do it.

Maybe she's afraid to talk to you, too. So where does that get you? Even if you're both busy, you have time to communicate about what's going on between you. By letting it slide, you're telling her that she's not important enough for you to deal with.

When I go to a restaurant, I don't mind if the waitress is so busy she can't take my order for ten minutes, as long as she greets me and says, "Sorry I'm busy, but I'll take your order as soon as I can." Then I know I'm not being ignored.

So take ten minutes and tell her you enjoyed the friendship that was starting between you, and that you think she's wonderful, and that you want to know if you did something that put her off. Just find out what she's feeling, instead of assuming. No matter what else happens, she will appreciate that you cared enough to ask. Trust me!

I might be promoted at work. Several others are also being considered. What can I do to make myself stand out from the crowd?

Missy, in my day, this situation would call for a challenge to combat in the arena. A mace or battle ax was the preferred weapon, and whoever was left with their head attached got to move up in rank. I don't know how you wimpering corporate prissies do things nowadays.

Well, you could forge a memo in your rival's name, and say your boss has his head up his butt. But strictly speaking, that's not ethical. But it worked for me.

Go straight to the person making the decision and say, "Look, all these people are qualified for this position, but let me tell you why I'm the best choice." Then give three good reasons.

Wear a giant hat with lots of bananas on it. You'll stand out for sure!

July 8, 1995

I'm separated from my husband because he abuses drugs. We've been separated for two years, but he doesn't want to get divorced. As far as I know he has stopped using, but I'm not sure if it's for good. Usually he turns to the drugs when he finds himself in a situation that he can't handle. I've already given him two chances to "change." Should I try a third?

If it were me, I wouldn't remotely consider spending my life worrying that my partner might flake out on me. You don't deserve that. And if you're going to have kids, they sure as heck don't deserve that.

Men who are married think they must be okay. You stay married to such a man, you stay married to his problems.

Not to be sour wine unto your ears, but my mathematical background compels me to point out that despite the folk axiom "The third time is the charm," there is no substantive property to the number three that might influence the statistical likelihood that he will respond any differently next time.

A friend of mine just told me ice cream is junk food! How could he say such a thing? To me, ice cream is a sacred dairy product! Pralines and cream, mint chocolate chip... need I say more? Was he just being mean or do you think he's actually gone crazy?

Those fancy ones with different pieces of things in them are too complicated. Just give me a big bowl of chocolate ice cream and I'm a happy camper! Yessir, chocolate for me please. Mmm-boy. And especially none of those little marshmallows. Just a big ol' glob of pure 100% chocolate ice cream that you can swish around in your mouth without getting nuts stuck in your teeth, that's how ice cream is meant to be. Now about junk food, when I was in the hospital they gave me ice cream, so that proves it.

Food is supposed to be good for you, and dessert is supposed to be just good. Food that isn't good for you fails it's purpose — that's why it's called junk food. Now ice cream is dessert, not food, so by definition it's not junk food. Your friend is crazy.

Ice cream gives me gas.