Past Punchy Advice

July 16 - 22, 1995

July 16, 1995

Alphonzo, I know that neither gender has perfect individuals, but do you have to put down the entire gender? And, Kelsey, unless you plan to spend the rest of your life on a desert island, how do you plan to talk to men only when no other men are around? Sexism is unfair whichever direction it comes from!

Yeah, that's just the kind of answer I'd expect from a... hey, I don't know if you're a man or a woman!

Give Alphonzo time and he will always prove your point.

I'm not sexist! I want a good relationship! In fact, I've been really patient. But I'm almost thirty, and I'm running out of patience! Did I tell you about that guy that works at the grocery store and keeps asking me out? What a jerk! I just want to know where the heck my soulmate is!

Did I ever mention that humans give me a headache?

Kelsey, I have to find another apartment in Manhattan by August 12. As you may know, the rental market is so tight here, it's mind-boggling! Do you have any advice?

My advice is not to try and cram myself into the same three square miles with 50 billion other people. But since you've written to us before and even sent us fan mail, why don't you tell the readers exactly what you're looking for?

Thanks... NYU grad student, 33, quiet, neat, responsible, looking for Manhattan sublet or apartment share (private room). Prefer Central or West Village (NYU area), Soho, Gramercy Park, Chelsea, but will consider any area. Can pay up to $800/month. Interests: music (all kinds), film, art, literature, Frisbee, browsing the web and reading "Punchy Advice." Must move before August 12. Thanks for your consideration. I have extra tickets to Elvis Costello if that sweetens the deal for anyone. Tom Chao, (212) 674-4623 or (212) 998-7346 (work)

Hmm. I take back what I said about Manhattan.

Is there anything besides the mind that ever gets boggled?

Your feathers are eye-boggling, Ooni.

Thank you, Kauli.

July 17, 1995

I am a very tall, attractive woman. I have no problem meeting men, and I have a steady boyfriend. But I lack social skills with women. I would like a female friend who doesn't wind up as a backstabber. Women constantly ask me my beauty secrets, but almost never invite me to go anywhere. How can I get back in touch with women, instead of having so many male friends?

I've got the same problem. I get along great with Tony and Bubba and all the guys at the bowling alley, but I never get invited anywhere by women either. Anyway, I'm glad to see you don't think I'm sexist. See, everybody?

"Alphonzo" is the first name on the pulldown menu. This is obviously one of those cases where he got picked by default.

Kiska, it's easy for you to attract men, because you're good-looking. But you can't expect those same qualities to attract female friends. Friendship is sharing, and caring about another person's welfare. Forget about the beauty tips and develop a sense of humor. Seek out women who enjoy art or music, or whatever you enjoy. Look for other things in common besides looks.

Forget men. Forget women, too. Once you've tried a Mekaloony, you'll never go back!

I once saw Vanna White in person!

None of my friends are beautiful. (No offense, Dolores.) But we all play bridge and enjoy discussing our surgeries.

July 18, 1995

Dear Punchy Gang,

Thanks for the advice! I didn't mean to come across as so shallow in my letter. I was once the ugly duckling. I do go to a co-ed college (physics major with a double in French), but I don't find many women I can relate with. Most of my male friends are budding engineers and scientists. I suppose I was wondering why women can act twice as cruel as men when it comes to friendship.

So you're attractive, tall, and brainy, and you find that other women are jealous. I can relate to your problem. I'm attractive and brainy — well, not about physics. The only thing I understood in physics was that things fall, and I already knew that.

But I've been successful because I present myself well, and I've been amazed at how many women I thought were friends have turned out to be jealous. There's nothing you can do about other people's reactions. I'm sure not going to diminish my talents just to make other people more comfortable. My advice is to continue enjoying the company of friends you can relate to, regardless of their sex. And try to associate with successful people who believe in themselves, and you will find women who aren't threatened.

Pardon me for intruding, but I merely want to add that your boyfriend is a very lucky man.

You know, Kiska, Punjabi is a very nice man and so intelligent. I'm not saying anything, but it couldn't hurt if sometime you met him. I hear he's a very nice chef, too, but I can't eat spicy foods, so that's only what I've heard.

July 19, 1995

Dear Drizzle, I wrote to you on June 23 asking for advice on helping my shy sister-in-law, and you asked me to write back indicating whether she viewed her shyness as an obstacle. The answer is yes. She knows it is her biggest obstacle, but she's afraid to speak to strangers (anyone she's come into contact with fewer than, say, five times) for fear of sounding stupid. She has expressed admiration for my ease around people and I've given her ample opportunity to see how it's done, but I think she just needs her five or six initial contacts. Should I try fixing her up (without telling either person it's a fix up)? If so, what would be the best way to go about this?

When I was growing up, our community of elves was fairly small. Everyone knew everyone else, and we had a chance to get to know each other. Elves are naturally shy, but none of us suffered because of it. Perhaps your sister-in-law should live in a small community, or join a group where there is a sense of community.

I'm kinda shy, and I used to worry about it. I thought there was something wrong with me! Then I discovered that some people are naturally introverted, and it's okay. If she needs time to warm up to strangers, "fixing her up" won't help. She needs to find ways she can meet people on a regular basis, like a computer users group, for example, or a volunteer organization.

I think you're being just a bit pushy yourself. She's not going to get over this shyness by admiring your social skills. She needs to believe in herself.

What is this shy crap all the time? In my day nobody was shy. What's the matter with you people, anyway?

If she believes that verbal intercourse is acceptable after six meetings, then I would exploit her faith with a safe, ordered, numerical plan, such as the following:

• First meeting — Ignore him completely.
• Second meeting — Notice him briefly.
• Third meeting — Notice him and smile momentarily.
• Fourth meeting — Notice him coming and notice him going.
• Fifth meeting — Look at him, and nod as if in acquaintance.
• Sixth meeting — Make a remark pertinent to the occasion or situation, such as: "That's an interesting tie."
• Seventh meeting — Make a similar remark, but allow him to answer before moving on.
• Eighth meeting — Allow him to respond, and this time, respond in kind before leaving.

She is now on her way to an actual conversation.

July 20, 1995

But we did get this e-mail:

Gregarious writes:

Dear Drizzle, Bradley, Kelsey, Stone Head, and Punjabi,

Thanks for your help. I think you're right about the community. Perhaps my husband and I can direct our efforts more toward encouraging her to join a club rather than toward meeting someone specific. (We had thought of that before, but it left too much control with her, which, of course, is where it really belongs — whether she's willing to take it or not!!) Love you all!

July 21, 1995

I am together with this man who is good looking, intelligent and respectful. But honestly, he is boring and unexciting. I miss my old boyfriend. We had the best times, even though we had a lot of problems and he didn't give me half the respect. Is there something wrong with this picture?

Why are you asking me? I'm always falling in love with a woman and being so very wonderful to her, but she turns around and falls in love with some jerk who doesn't love her, much less understand her! It really burns my bagels!

Like moths to the flame, we are sometimes attracted to those who least suit us.

Something is wrong with this picture if you always prefer guys who don't respect you. That's something you can see a counselor about. But it could just be that the new guy is a dishrag. In that case, just keep looking until you find someone who respects you and excites you.

Hey, Cynthia! I did too respect you!

Enough with excitement already. I would be overjoyed if Marty would just close the bathroom door.

July 22, 1995

Kelsey, you seem to field all the romance woes, so here's my tale: I have been dating this wonderful guy for about three years, since we were both 16. We have a great relationship. However, this past year we went to different colleges: I'm in the Midwest and he's on the east coast. I felt really alone and empty, like my purpose in life had disappeared. I was in a whole new environment, and I didn't feel like I had anyone who needed me anymore. I really need to feel needed by other people in order to be happy with myself.

This past year I've become really good friends with this guy. Lately I've noticed that our platonic relationship is beginning to cross that line into "something more." This was not intentional! I don't want to lose the wonderful guy I'm dating. The idea of being without him is really scary. I know that my being so indecisive is hurting everyone more than if I just took action. Do I yield to temptation? Do I transfer to a college near my boyfriend? How do I know what's best for me?

Girl, how many middle-aged adults do you know that are still with their high school sweetheart? Not many. You're only 19. It's ridiculous to think that you should be stuck with the first guy you went steady with for the rest of your life. You're not married to him, and you don't owe him eternal allegiance.

But you've got a real problem if you think that your purpose in life is to be needed by someone else. Therapists have a word for that. I don't remember what it is, but it's not a good thing.

You ask: "How do I know what's best for me?" I ask you: "Who besides you is going to know?"

Whatever your path in life, the big job is to find out what it is you want.

If you think living without your boyfriend is scary, you should try living with Marty. You should forget about men until you get over being scared to live without them.

Bob, what is the difference when my weatherman says "partly cloudy" as opposed to "partly sunny?" Should I plan half a picnic? And if you can come, what would you like to see on the menu?

Burgers and cole slaw would be GREAT!

Bob would be the perfect guest. Partly obtuse.