Past Punchy Advice

July 23 - 29, 1995

July 23, 1995

Why, in the middle of a semi-drought, does it rain at my office but not at my house which is only 12 miles away?

I'm not aware of any policy that we serve commercial accounts first.

I have a crush on someone. How do I find out if he likes me without being embarrassed or getting my feelings hurt?

Ooh, I remember this one! It's all in your expectations, Kianna. If you act like you expect this guy will like you, and instead he rejects you, then you'll get your feelings hurt. But remember that the odds of anyone liking someone who likes them is really low! So don't expect anything! Just talk to him and be friendly. If he's interested, you friendship will develop. If he's not, it won't. You won't be embarrassed either way. Okay?

Ooni, I have a boyfriend who makes an immense amount of money but continuously puts off helping do the bills. Though he provides a wonderful lifestyle and adores the ground I walk on, I don't feel it is my responsibility to handle both our bills. I need help!

Don't look at me! I don't have any money!

July 24, 1995

My friends make fun of me for listening to Michael Jackson. Should I continue to listen regardless of their constant criticism?

Go ahead. They'll probably make fun of you anway.

About a year ago I introduced an old friend (female) to a guy a was seeing. They hit it off and started dating. I was okay with that, but now she has accused me of trying to get with her man. Yeah right! Anyway I've lost both of them over this and I need to know: how do I get back into things after separating myself from my entire circle of friends?

Have a party. Don't invite them.

Is it possible to sustain a long distance relationship?

In my case, any farther than a stone's throw is a bad idea.

Why are boys so weird?

It's practice for being men.

There's this guy I like, but he totally ignores me.

July 25, 1995

Can guys ever be romantic without doing it just to get the funky monkey?

I'm guessing that you're pretty young, because younger men really don't get the idea of romance. The older men get, the more romantic they get.

There's no use griping about this in endless feminist tracts. It's just they way it is. Guys go from being boys who light firecrackers and break street lamps to men with organs whose sole biological function is to pro-create. Somewhere along the line, they learn what it means to love and be loved.

It's up to us women to guide men towards an understanding of real love.

I have some ideas on how to do this, but first I'd like to hear from you women (and men!) out there. What's been your experience about men learning to be romantic?

Funkey monkey? Isn't that ice cream?

July 26, 1995

Kelsey, I'm shocked! I absolutely hate it when men say women are responsible for making sure they get their act together. And now you're saying it! When are men going to finally accept responsibility for what they do?

I've been married for eight years to an absolutely incredible man who I am crazy about, but he still can't utter those three little words with any regularity. And this is supposed to be my fault?

Honestly, the idea is offensive. And sexist.

I agree that men must take responsibility for their own actions. But women have the power to guide men in the right direction. A lot of women don't seem to realize this, and spend their lives in unhappiness.

In my (limited) experience, a lot of men I've been with have really wanted to love and be loved. But they didn't know how, and generally felt it was part of their job to protect me, as a woman, from their great inner turmoil.

They weren't bad guys. They just needed someone to clue them in. Cluing someone in is not the same as taking responsibility. You can't expect someone to take responsibility for something unless they're educated about it.

Just by coincidence, I was at the bookstore today and a book jumped out at me called The Men We Never Knew by Daphne Rose Kingma. She writes: "...there is one premise in this book: ... Men don't know what they are missing and women have to show them." She says that we women, after fighting so hard for our place in the world, are fed up, and we don't want to take on yet another job. But, she says, it is we women who are naturally more adept at the language of emotion, interpersonal communication and the power of intuition. How better for a man to get in touch with his feminine than by learning from women?

So what do we do with men? What I think is: we have to encourage them to be more in touch with their feminine, without berating their masculinity. Encourage them to feel and express their emotions, and love them for who they are. And not be shocked or hurt or let down if — once they finally do express their feelings — their feelings are not what we wanted to hear.

I'd still like to hear from you women (and men!) out there. What's been your experience about men learning to be romantic? (Reply to Kelsey, c/o leo@rockisland.com)

July 27, 1995

I read your response and wanted to, well, respond. See, the thing is, I've lived in Europe for a lotta years now. Americans have this thing about wanting men to be like women. They aren't like women.

I have a theory about men: You know why women seem to like to argue and men don't? It's because, with men, there is always the tacit understanding that if you get pissed off enough, you're going to hit somebody. So men tend to weigh how angry they are against this implicit understanding. Most men learn somewhere around the age of ten that they have to control their tempers and not slug Billy at the slightest provocation. This is an incredible act of self-socialization. That men will get up in the middle of the night when their beloveds hear a bump in the kitchen, and armed only with their fists and their jockey shorts, go investigate, is almost entirely unsung about men.

If you hadn't noticed, I like men. I think they are great. I don't want them to be like women. It is true that men don't tend to operate romantically as women would want them to. Sure, I wish my fabulous husband would say he loved me more often. But he tells me in a lot of ways that aren't verbal, like killing any insect that sneaks into my home, taking responsibility for all those really drippy, disgusting things in the refrigerator that I can't bring myself to touch, lots of stuff. I wouldn't trade him for anybody -- not even Brad Pitt.

So rather than women taking responsibility for turning men into women with willies, maybe women can take responsibility for learning to appreciate all that great manly stuff about men. I think, were I a man, I'd really hate hooking up with a succession of women who wanted to fundamentally alter my character.

I think you are a very wise woman. You are — quite rightly — making the distinction between a woman trying to change a man versus allowing him to explore other aspects of himself. See, I believe that men do have powerful feelings, but they don't know how to express them. Any relationship depends on both partners accepting who the other person is. In relation to the original question, I would only add that women can also learn to appreciate and love the feminine side of a man, even if the man himself isn't well connected to it. And this requires total love and acceptance of him as a man.

I'm designing brochures for my training business. I'm not a designer, although I'm deluded enough to think I have some style. How do I know what will attract customers?

A wise and very successful businessman once told me: "The secret to my success is that if I find someone who can do something better than I can, I hire them." You need not know how to design a brochure to attract customers, you need only know how to find someone who does.

How can I get rid of my boyfriend's jealous and overprotective behavior?

You can't get rid of his behavior.

He can get rid of his behavior.

Or you can get rid of him.

What is it that you like about this behavior that keeps you with him?

July 28, 1995

July 29, 1995

So why haven't you asked Kelsey out yet? She's attractive, insightful, smart, and she's really nice to you. She always defends you so you can finish your thoughts and she always had encouraging and pleasant greetings for you when you wrote in from Calgary.

I'd also like to suggest that you investigate greyhounds as dogs because they are good-tempered, athletic, friendly animals, and you can get them free, as many states have greyhound rescue associations, such as USA DOG (Defenders of Greyhounds), that place retired racing greyhounds with good homes instead of letting the tracks put them to sleep.

Well, er, um... Kelsey and I are good friends, but I'm not her type. She likes guys that are like, athletic and everything. And she loves to go dancing and I don't dance very well. I step on my own feet. And besides she's an inch taller than me, but I think she's really cute. Anyway, thanks for the tip about greyhounds. That's a great service. But as a pet for my apartment, aren't they gigantic? I'd rather have a dog that doesn't needs a stable.

Bradley, you're so silly. I would have gone out with you if you had asked me.

You would have? What do you mean you would have? Will you go out with me?

No. If you really liked me you would have asked me a long time ago.

Wait a minute. I need to think about this.