Past Punchy Advice

July 30 - August 5, 1995

July 31, 1995

I see myself as a creative person, but it seems to be an urge that ebbs more than it flows, y'know? What do you do to keep your creative energies focused when you start a project, and what do you do to help get yourself started when you've been too long between projects?

The greatest obstacle to starting a project is the fear that you will not be able to finish. The solution to this problem is to make a committment to do at least one little step towards your goal each day.

The greatest obstacle to creativity is a belief that one's ideas are not good enough. The solution to this problem is to lower your expections from trying to produce great art to simply enjoying the process by which you create.

I don't have any problems being creative. When I fired that idiot Dingle, I gave him a box of donuts. When he ate them all, it said "You're fired" at the bottom. Ho, yeah, I got a million of 'em.

My friend Zalena, who is a writer, highly recommends a book called "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron, which she says helped her get rid of her artistic blocks. Zalena is a bit kooky, but I just read a story she wrote and it was pretty good, so I think the book is working.

August 1, 1995

I've been having trouble sleeping at night?

I have this same trouble. Sometimes it gets so bad I wake up before I go to sleep.

Inability to sleep is the fruit of an overactive mind. As you lie in bed, turn your attention from your worries to your breathing. Do not try to control your breathing. Merely become an attentive observer of your breathing.

Watching other people's vacation slides always puts me out. See if you can borrow some.

Sometimes when I'm worried about not going to sleep, the worry makes it worse. In that case, I have to tell myself how glad I am that I'm still awake, because now I can catch up on the latest "Tax Facts" bulletin from the Department of Revenue! As soon as I get over worrying, I'm out like a laptop.

I really don't mind so much when I can't drift off at night. I get plenty of sleep at my desk.

C'mon, girlfriend, you know how they are when they get it into their heads that you're only a platonic friend. Bradley probably made the decision early on, based on his respect for his coworker, and never allowed himself to reconsider, even though you subtly opened up a warmer possibility for him. I went out to the clue store and bought him a clue, now you should let him use it! I bet you both like Thai food.

What is this nonsense about, "if you really liked me you would have asked me a long time ago." Why didn't you ask him? Afraid of taking a little risk, perhaps?

I resent that, and I'm upset that you would imply that I'm doing something wrong! You just don't understand. I've been with a lot of men in my life. I even almost got married once. What a mistake that was! I want to find my partner for life, not just any guy who isn't sure what he thinks, no matter how attractive and intelligent and sweet he may be! You got that?

Hey Kelsey, Thai food does sound good. You want to try that new place across from the cineplex?

Okay, but I have to be home early.

August 2, 1995

Should you stick with someone that has cheated on you?

No.

I want to pluck my eyebrows but my mother is superstitious and says my brows are perfectly okay and look very nice and they will bring me a good future. I know I will look WAYYYYY better with thinner eyebrows but I sort of believe my mother because she has showed me some proof. I wanna look good but will it ruin my future?

Dear BB, I have written to your e-mail address but you did not reply. I, along with everyone else here, including George the Janitor, are just dying to know what proof your mother gave! Because frankly, it sounds like one of those Mom stories they tell you to scare you out of doing something. Like "Don't cross your eyes because they will stay that way." Anyway, personally I prefer a natural look on women, so I say don't do it.

Listen honey, I'm a professional make-over consultant, so take my word for it. A little pruning here and there never hurt anybody. How do you think Kelsey gets those lovely arched eyebrows of hers?

Kelsey plucks her eyebrows?

There's a lot about me you don't know.

My mom useda tell me that if I didn't clean up my room, no one would ever marry me. So I cleaned it. Lookin' back, I should'a trashed the place.

August 3, 1995

Before the big bang (or God getting busy) what was here? Or should I say was here here? This question troubles me often as I try to fall asleep. I must have had a bad experience with Fantasia.

What big bang? Did I miss something?

I have trouble sleeping too, but it's usually trying to figure out how make my next payment on that damn roto rooter machine.

Tom writes to Kelsey:

Kelsey, you recently asked for thoughts about what happens when a woman tries to change a man to match what she wants him to be, or (more benignly) tries to to guide him to be more in touch with his emotional self.

As a man who has worked on his own emotional development, I have some ideas. Both you & "Offended" seemed to think this whole process involves men learning to experience and express their emotions. I agree, but I think much more is possible.

I like the conclusion you both came to -- that it's possible to accept and love a man even if he doesn't have the emotional qualities you want. I find that even when I'm in a flawed relationship, I am somehow a greater human being when I fully accept and love, even when it's an unworkable relationship. It is possible to care deeply for and stay open to someone even as you are splitting up.

A relationship like Offended's, where she loves her husband with all of his faults, is perfectly fine -- especially when she makes that decision to accept him as he is. I was touched by her description of how he never says those "three little words" -- then went on to say that she sees the meaning of those words demonstrated in all the things he does for her. I think she's right! And --

I think much more is possible, and it does not just involve a woman guiding a man to greater emotional development. It happens when a man and a woman commit themselves to developing a profound level of intimacy. (I don't limit this to hetero or non-platonic relationships, that just happens to be the context of this conversation.)

Just as my life as a man is richer when I let myself feel and express my feelings (especially within a relationship), women also grow emotionally when they fully accept, relate to, and express themselves with a man. To do this, both partners need to be able to face their fears about exposing their inner selves to their partner -- and to themselves.

I believe the ability to communicate in a way that promotes this intimacy is a crucial ability.

I don't know of anyone who knows how to do this without coaching. There are some specific techniques and skills to pick up. This kind of intimacy is a very different way of life from how we normally live, and can be very scary.

When two people can fully express themselves with each other, and consciously set aside the time to do it, some amazing things can happen. They not only nurture their caring feelings for and understanding of each other, each person also finds things out about themselves that they didn't know before.

Often this involves some painful discoveries about inner insecurities and emotional wounds, usually from childhood. Bringing these to light with the acceptance, understanding, unconditional love, and (sometimes) guidance of one's partner brings healing.

Also uncovered are pleasant discoveries. Each person can find previously unrecognized qualities in themselves that they weren't even aware of. Men might get in touch with their feminine sides! And women...oh-oh...might begin to have more understanding and sympathy for previously despised masculine traits.

To sum up, it isn't just that men need women to give them guidance.

We need each other to develop fully as human beings.

I developed these ideas from lots of places, but especially through a book I recently read: Getting The Love You Want, by Harville Hendrix.

If anyone wants to comment or ask me questions, please get in touch!.

Lastly -- Kelsey, I want to thank you for this chance to express myself. I have been married for two years to a woman who has no interest in any of this, and we are splitting up this weekend. I thought we'd be fine because we naturally seemed so well suited for each other -- but when the spontaneous romantic feelings stopped, we had no skills to either re-kindle those feelings or to resolve any of our differences.

After reading your comments, and writing this response, I don't feel quite as discouraged. Maybe I will find the courage to again look for someone who does want this kind of relationship, after all!

PS: I am not a counsellor. I have no connection to the book I recommended. These are just my thoughts on this matter.

Thanks for writing, Tom. That's beautifully said. And good luck.

Oh, fine! Marty's asleep. Marty! Wake up, Marty!

August 4, 1995

I fell in love with a guy at first sight, and at first when I called him he was always home and we talked all the time, and we seemed to get along fine. Now, whenever I call he is always gone out somewhere, and he never calls me, either. He doesn't know that I like him. Do you think I scared him away?

Realistically, it sounds like he's not as interested in the relationship as you are. And of course, it's perfectly okay for him to feel however he wants, just as much as you don't have to like some guy just because he likes you. So I would say, basically, let him go.

But since you apparently were good buddies for a while, be honest with him. If you ever do get hold of him, tell him "I just want you to know, I really like you, and I'd like to have a relationship with you, but I guess you don't see me that way." Make it okay for him to be honest with you, too. You may lose a lover but gain a friend.

How does a woman define "romantic"? What does a man need to do? I used to cook dinner for my girlfriend whenever she came to visit me. I would bring flowers and small gifts (not all the time because then it wouldn't be special). I never hurried her when we went shopping together, and while she tried on different clothes I would give my opinion when she asked. I would never leave her shopping all by herself except when she asked me to leave. But despite my sensitive nature, I was never considered "romantic."

Jeez, I'm tired of being the bad guy. Okay, it's like this...

Kelsey, may I? Rhynn, I can identify with your question, because I've had relationships like the one you describe (I'm embarassed to say). Basically, what I've learned is that being "romantic" is not the same as being "nice."

I suppose this lesson hit the hardest when I was taking computer science in college. I had a crush on a classmate named Cyndi. To show her how much she meant to me, I spend all week programming the computer to print out a giant "Happy Birthday" sign made entirely of punctuation marks. She never even unfolded it all the way! Meanwhile, Sherman Morris wrote her a four-line poem about her eyes, and they went to the mountains for the weekend!

I would hazard to guess that a woman considers "romantic" anything that shows that you really understand who she is, and expresses how crazy your are about her as a unique person (not just as a generic girlfriend).

And I don't know why, but women like it when men take charge of where you're going on a date.

How was that, Kelsey? Oh, by the way, I'll pick you up tonight at 8. Okay? Dress warmly.

Yes. Yes, that was a good answer! I mean, okay!