Past Punchy Advice

August 16 - 31, 1995

August 16, 1995

My boyfriend and I have talked about getting married for about a year. He keeps telling me to be patient. I don't want to be patient, I want to be engaged. What should I do?

Well, the day my hard drive crashed, I went right down to the computer store and bought a new one. Meanwhile, there are some water stains on the ceiling that I've been meaning to paint over, ever since I moved into this office... Wow! that was two years ago!

It could be that marrying you isn't something he needs to do, so he never gets around to it.

On the other hand, my Aunt Sally has been inviting me over for dinner for the last five years. All Aunt Sally talks about is how bad Uncle Hal treated her all those years. I keep telling her that I'm looking forward to it when my schedule is not so crazy.

So, it could be that it's easy for him to say he'll marry you, but he doesn't really want to.

Then again, I really want a dog, but I remember my apartment and wonder what I would do with it all day while I'm at work, and a million other problems.

So it could be that he really wants to marry you, but he's just afraid of all the complications.

Hmmm. So I guess the best thing for you do to is find out what he's really feeling. That's not so easy.

Yesterday I had a tax client who told me he didn't earn any income last year. Now, that sounded pretty dang suspicious to me. But if I had said, "Okay, you liar, how much did you really make?" I would not have gotten an honest answer, plus I would have lost a good client. So I told him that I was not the IRS, and that I was there to help him, and that it was in his best interest to give me as much information as possible.

I guess my point is, if you want an honest answer out of him, make it okay for him to tell the truth.

I can still remember when I didn't want to be patient. I can also remember when I wanted to be engaged. My bad luck, they were at the same time.

August 17, 1995

My friend copies me all the time. When I tell her to stop, she says we just have the same taste in things. In that case we are the exact same person! Help!

Nobody copies me.

Me either.

I hate when people do that. Charge her ten cents every time. You'll make a fortune!

Your friend admires you, and she wants to be like you. A little of that is a normal part of growing up. We learn by imitating other people.

But taken to extremes, this habit can be most distressing. I would venture that your friend has very little self-esteem, and too much esteem for you. You like yourself well enough to enjoy your own style. Your friend would be better off copying how you feel about yourself inside, instead of copying how you look and act on the outside.

You cannot repair this person's ego, but you can help by letting her know in little ways that you think she is perfectly wonderful just as she is. Be most curious as to what she likes and does not like. Allow her to discover that she does have most excellent opinions of her own.

I like that, Punjabi. But this story reminds me of me. I'm ashamed to tell it, but what the heck — it was a long time ago.

When I was 12 or 13, there was a neighbor girl named Anna who followed me everywhere I went, and bought all the same albums I did, and liked all the same boys. It drove me crazy. It made me feel like a stand-up comic whose act is being stolen.

When I was years older, I lost track of Anna, and I got to wondering — if she drove me so crazy, how come she was my best friend? I shuddered to realize the obvious: I liked her because she admired me! I was so shy in those days, it felt good to have someone around who thought I was cool.

So my advice is, dear Good Twin, if you don't want this person driving you crazy, make sure you aren't secretly enjoying the attention. Good luck!

August 25, 1995

I am 35 years old. I had a bad experience with a girl I fell in love with. She married someone else, after he got her pregnant. I don't know what happened to me since then. I never leave the house anymore. I just stay in front of my computer all day. I don't work, as I am on disability, but I can do just about anything. I stay in shape -- I have an exercise machine in the basement. People tell me I look like Al Pacino. So it's not that I'm fat and ugly. I have money. I want to get into a relationship, but I seem to have lost the get up and go to get out and meet someone. What do I do?

What you have is a broken heart. But it's not fatal.

Stop mopin' around, you slacker! You're not the first person to get not married. What do you expect, to have the perfect wife served on a platter? It don't work that way. And if you're in such great shape, why are you takin' disability anyway? Maybe if you got a job you'd have some self-respect. Get off your Al Pacino butt and get a life!

What is the meaning of life?

Whenever someone says "What is the meaning of this?", I always think they're mad. So to answer your question, I don't know, but I didn't do it.

August 29, 1995

If you meet a person from out of town and they call two months later and ask you to marry them, would you take that seriously?

Would you?

How can I find out someone's address (free) when I only know the person's name and the person has no phone?

Ask them.

Look in their mailbox and see where the letters are addressed.

Apparently the reader would ask the person for their address, but either he is not in contact with them, or they would not wish him to know it. Because we do not know the reader's intentions, we would not advise on this even if we knew the answer. Perhaps the person wants to be left alone.

August 31, 1995

I am moving out of my parent's house after only living there a month. I moved home after two years of being on my own, but now my friends think I am a loser for living with my parents. Do I go or do I stay?

Gee, would they let Ooni and me stay there?

You should forget what your friends say and decide if you want to stay there. It really depends on how you get along with your parents.

This, my friend, is a very American idea: that people are "losers" unless they can make it on their own. You call this the "rugged individual." Put into conjuction with the modern American theory that all parents are backward, narrow-minded and uptight (this theory was introduced in the '50's), these two beliefs cause young urban Americans to flee their homes as early as possible, having little idea what to do with themselves.

So often sadly these young people struggle most of their lives, remaining in debt, never able to buy their own property. Yet every year, immigrants from poor countries such as my own arrive, and with very little money of their own, they are able to acquire service stations, convenience stores and fast food restaurants. A visit to these establishments illustrates the secret of their success: they are truly family-run. You will notice the absence of ego-propelled American movie-hero dependence-phobia.

(I must admit that in this regard I am more "American" than my brothers and sisters. I came to the USA to study mathematics, and have succeeeded muchly on my own. However I am most grateful to my kindly parents who lovingly enabled my tuition, and when possible I enjoy to send them some of the fruits of my success.)