My mother's boyfriend is such a jerk! He criticizes me and when I talk to my mom about it she always takes his side even though I'm right! He is so obnoxious! I've put up with his temper and attitude for five years and I'm sick of it! And don't tell me to talk to him about it because he won't listen. What should I do?
Alphonzo answers:
Hold on there! Just because he criticizes you doesn't mean he's wrong. Maybe you're wrong. And if your mom takes his side, maybe it's because she sees his point. I don't know. For all I know, you leave your chewing gum on the arm rests, and I don't blame him one bit for criticizing you!
Kelsey offers:
Well, let's just say this guy is criticizing you unfairly. He sounds very immature. Too bad. But you can use that to your advantage.Try to figure out what his issues are. Like for example, is he into control and freaks out when he doesn't get his way? Or does he have a problem with judging certain kinds of people, and he puts you in that category? Whatever his emotional needs are, you may be able to assuage them without compromising your own needs.
Say he insists that you be home from a date by midnight, and you think that's totally unreasonable. Instead of fighting about it, figure out what he really wants. Is he afraid you'll get in trouble sexually? Or is he afraid that you'll get hurt? Or does he think it's just part of his job as a father figure to set rules? The fact is that no matter how unreasonable he may act, he has a core issue that's not so unreasonable, at least not for him.
Lots of times, people only need respect. They don't feel like they're being respected, so they insist on setting rules. And of course, you break the rules, so they feel more disrespected, and things get worse. In that case, you might try saying, "I know you're looking out for me and you're concerned. I want to respect you and follow your rules. But can we talk about what the rules should be?" Just give him the respect he wants and you can pretty much write your own ticket.
I am recently divorced (6 months) and have been dating a man almost that long exclusively. He is wonderful in almost every way (no one is perfect), and we are very compatible. He has been divorced for almost 8 years, and is ready to settle down and share life with the right person, whom he says is me. I can see that we have great potential for a strong, loving realtionship that is long-term, but I am reluctant to make that commitment so soon. He is getting impatient, and feels that if that's not what I want then it's time for him to move on. It's not that it's not what I want, I'm just not ready to make that decision. Is it fair to expect him to wait around? I'd hate to lose him, but I need some time. What do you think I should do?
Punjabi answers:
Often I am to be found guilty of quantifying that which is not quantifiable, but it has been my observation that when a relationship ends, even if it was not a happy one, it takes at least a year for the feelings of connectedness to dissipate to comforable levels. And this is moreso the case with women.As you have only been divorced for six months, I would suspect that you still hold strong feelings for your ex-husband, even though you know that relationship is not meant to be, and even if you truly love your new sweetheart.
His impatience should be warmly received by you, and yet you should cause him to understand that you need more time for your feelings to resolve.