Past Punchy Advice

October 10 - 31, 1995

October 10, 1995

Will I ever find a nice guy who finds me to be sweet?

Let me have a bite and I'll tell you.

Why do people become geologists?

Cause they like big rocks. Gotta problem with that?

Men seem to enjoy and crave sex, but few girls do. Why?

I notice you compared "men" and "girls," not men and women. Women enjoy sex, but probably not with you.

Ouch!

October 12, 1995

Is there a cure for a broken heart? Because, other than a shotgun, I can't find a cure. I really liked this guy, and he knew I liked him, and he told me he liked me. We met on a tour of Europe, and he lives 12 hours away from me. He phoned me once over three months ago, and I haven't heard from him since.

Maybe you should go to Europe again. You might have better luck with the guy you meet next time.

Oh girl, you just built up a big fantasy in your head. It must have been really pleasant. But just let it go now.

How do I hint to a girl that I want to see more of her after one day together?

What's this "hinting" business? What's so wrong with just telling her?

I work for a small, non-profit organization. The pay is not great, but I get four weeks' vacation a year. I have four children, and my husband has chronic health problems, so I end up taking a lot of time off to take care of them. How do I balance my work/family needs?

Holy smokes! The question, dear Maggie, is how do you balance your own needs with everyone else's? It sounds like all giving and no getting for you. I believe we only have so much love-stuff to pass around, and when we run out we're not much good to anybody. So make sure you carve out some time to take care of yourself, and that can be as simple as going for a walk once in a while.

October 14, 1995

I am concerned about the major I am in, is commications a good field to be in?

Not written communication, anyway.

Never be in a field you can't spell.

How can I convince my parents not to be so overprotective of me? I am an only child, and I can't go anywhere without my parents giving me the third degree. Please help me!

Tell them you're pregnant. With that out of the way, they won't have so much to worry about.

October 17, 1995

Ruth, I am in a major dilemma. I have a very good girl friend and we are very close. I am interested in taking the friendship to a romantic level. I think she is interested. We always talked about sex when we were just friends, and we seem to have the same ideas.. The only thing I am worried about is that she is telling me what I want to hear and that she is jerking me around. I do not think that she would do that because she is such a nice person. I really love her and I also think she could be the woman I want to marry. Do you think, given our past history, that this girl could be jerking my chain?

"Jerking your chain?" What's that?

Leading him on. Setting him up. Playing him for a fool. Faking love and devotion, only using him for sex and money, only to betray him mercilessly for no reason other than that she's a typical two-faced, seductive coquette, like all women really are deep-down inside, according to the popular male belief system.

Jeez, are men paranoid or what???

Oh. Well, sir. How do I know you're not jerking her chain?

How do you know when you're in love? I've been seeing this woman for 6 months and recently we broke up. I thought I was fine with it, right up until the point that I discovered that I wasn't.

How do you know when you're in love? If you have to ask, you're not.

Nope, telling them I'm pregnant doesn't work. I tried it once and they just sat there saying, "Oh, come on. You haven't got a boyfriend, and you don't go out, so how can you be pregnant?" Any more ideas? Please, I really need help!!

Stop complaining. I don't even have parents. I was eternal.

I am an only child, too. And believe me, once you're an only child, you'll always be an only child. Unless they have more children.

The good news is your parents want to be good parents. It's their job. In fact, you're their only shot at it, so the more you demand your independence, the more necessary they see their protective function.

The best strategy is to compliment them on their success as parents. Praise them for the excellent job they've done with you. Once they start to feel satisfied that they've done their job, you can suggest it's time to retire.

October 20, 1995

When I got married the first time my mother did not come to the wedding and when I got married the second time she gave me used luggage and a coffee pot she got for free for joining a coffee club. She is now getting married for the second time and I was wondering if it is required that I bring a gift?

How could you pass up an opportunity like that?

How can I get this guy I really like to ask me out? He did ask me out a couple of months ago, but my ex-boyfriend had just broken up with me, and I was feeling real hurt so I turned him down. Now, later on, I find that I like him, and now that I want him to ask me out, he's playing silent. What do I do?

You want to get him to ask you out? All I can think of is that joke where you get the other person to say, "What's up, Doc?" The way you do it is you say, "Hey, you've got some updoc on your back." And they say, "What's updoc?" And you say, "Silly Wabbit!"

So maybe you can say, "Hey, did you know there's a concert this Saturday at the Whatchamajigger?" And he says, "Yeah, are you going?" And you say, "Sure, what time do you want to pick me up?"

Geez, what's with you spineless, manipulative wimps? Why do you have to "get him" to ask you out? Just level with the guy. Say, "When you asked me out before, I just broke up with another guy, and I wasn't in the mood. Do you still want to go out?"

Well, that might work, too.

My best friend for twelve years says he wants to marry me. I have always felt this way but neither of us is ready now. He still has a lot of growing up to do. I'm 21 years old, and in school. We have been friends since 6th grade and became lovers off and on from age 17-20. Now we are only best friends. He was not ready for commitment at the time so I exed the sexual part of the relationship. I have a 3 yr. old daughter; he loves her. Do I wait for him?

I don't know anything about getting married except that Mekaloonies don't bother.

The only way to tell if you're ready is if you stick yourself with a fork and your insides don't stick to it.

It sounds like he's committed now. Poor guy.

What do you do when you have a boyfriend that you really love, but you know he is no good for you?

I would stop seeing him.

I'm concerned about my son. He and his wife split over a year and a half ago and he still thinks she is coming back. She is seeing someone else. How do I get him to get on with his life?

Hey, Alphonzo, it's another "how-do-I get-him-to..." question.

Sue, forget it. If he wants to suffer delusions, that's his business, not yours. Get on with your own life.

October 24, 1995

I'm not sure if I should take a promotion at work that would pay me a generous salary, or if I should stay in school for four more semesters. I'm only twenty three years old and married and we need a larger income. What do you think, Kauli?

School or work? Some choice! We keep trying to tell you guys — live in the treees! It's so much easier!

Your decision, my friend, should depend on a long-term strategy, not just the needs of the moment. Will getting your degree enable you to earn substantially greater income in the long run? If so, you'd be better off paring your budget for the short term and going back to school. (Hint: not to preach, but a vegetarian diet is greatly more cost-efficient than an animal-centered diet.) If not, then you may as well take the promotion and continue your education in the real world.

And please do not overlook how greatly your heart is set on this degree. Is it something you love? Will you spend the rest of your life regretting that you missed your opportunity to explore it?

What is the meaning of life?

What is the meaning of Tony Rotundo?

Every time I see this certain girl, I feel nauseous. Is it Love?

If it is, my friend, you had better keep plenty of flight bags handy.

My girlfriend is not showing any interest in me. What should I do?

Stop calling her your girlfriend, you dreamer.

What can I do if I don't know anybody I love and I feel so lonely?

First, get a job in a hell-hole office where they treat you like slaves. Then, sit in the lunchroom every day bitching with your fellow workers about the management. You will have lots of friends in no time. It works for me.

I have a problem when I'm sweeping my tiled floor. I make sure there are no draughts in the room but, nevertheless, the mere action of the broom, however gentle, creates air currents that send the dust swirling around in the air. Before I've even finished sweeping, there are little clumps of dust all around the room. What should I do? I don't want my visitors to think that I never sweep up.

It is an odd curiosity that one's house always looks the most messy when one is in the process of cleaning it. A half-painted house looks much worse than one with old paint. So do not be discouraged by the apparent disorder during the sweeping. Change — even change for the better — always stirs things up a bit, and sometimes you must simply wait for the dust to settle.

justusea wet mop.

October 30, 1995

How do you mend a broken friendship? This girl and me had been friends for nine years, but then it fell apart because her sexist older brother tried to grope me while I was sleeping in her room at four in the morning! Now, we just can't talk anymore, and I feel that we are growing apart. I don't want to lose her as a friend just because her brother can't control his hormones. What can I do?

Is she angry with you for accusing her brother? If so, there's nothing you can do -- you were right not to allow that behavior. Or is she embarrased? In that case, reassure her that her brother's behavior doesn't prejudice your friendship with her.

My husband spends all his time on the computer and pays no attention to me. If it wasn't for this World Wide Web stuff, he might rake the lawn. Now he spends all his time talking to this over-achiever from Colorado. What's a woman to do? I tried the Saran Wrap trick. He said that it causes static build up and might blow out his CPU! I'd like to blow out his CPU! Help!

You people keep complaining about these computers! In my day, if the tribe found an evil object in their midst, they would burn it, bury it, or throw it into the sea. Take your husband to a witch doctor and see if the spell can be broken. If not, subject him to the same fate.

What Saran Wrap trick?

I just got married and I'm also eight months pregnant. My husband lost his job, our lights have been cut off, we're being evicted tomorrow, and we have no money. Add to that the fact that I'm trying to go to college, I have a two year-old daughter already and we are going to have to stay with his sister who uses us and asks us to pay two thirds of the rent, phone bill, and utility bill upon moving in. I feel so trapped. He's becoming moodier and my family is hundreds of miles away. What do you suggest that I do?

Write country/western songs.

October 31, 1995 -- Happy Halloween!

The Saran Wrap trick. It's a famous women's magazine type advice thing from the 50's, women would write in and say that their husbands just weren't interested in them anymore, and the advice columnist person would say, "Well, just wrap yourself in Saran Wrap, nothing else, and answer the door that way when he gets home." Personally, I don't see the draw...

Me either. If he's not interested in her anymore, I don't see how making herself look like leftovers would help.

I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. What should I do?

When someone cheats, end the game.

I've been working my butt off for the past two months, designing a new Web server for my company to show off at its annual meeting. I don't get to go to the meeting, though, so someone else will be taking the credit. How can I make sure that people know that it is my work?

I once hurled a thunderball at someone and it blew a hole in the side of a cliff. Now these cock-eyed geologists call it a "natural formation!" In my day, people like that wouldn't last two seconds without being turned into natural formations themselves.

Hoo, boy! I can relate to your problem! I take credit for my employee's work all the time!

If I were you, I'd publish an article about the project somewhere, or write my own newsletter. Whenever you run into the higher-ups on the elevator, ask them, "What do you think of my whatever-it-is? Do you have any ideas on how I can improve it?"

You are waiting for your boyfriend to kiss you. Do you kiss him first or let him make the first move?

Pixie, you're asking the wrong expert.

The best relationships have equality. Things flow pretty naturally, and no one is forcing anything on the other. Especially if this is the first kiss, it's best to be consentual. Wait till you're both in the mood.

If you're ready and he's not, you'll just have to accept that. All you can do is make an easy target.