Past Punchy Advice

November, 1995

November 23, 1995

There's this girl at school whom I don't know from a bar of soap, and all of a sudden, she's being a real bee-with-an-itch. I think maybe it's because I went out with her ex-boyfriend, after she broke up with him about a year ago (she broke up with him because her mom didn't like him). Help!!

I’ve noticed that sometimes women get all bent out of shape when someone new takes up with their ex-lovers. I guess men do it too. I don’t get it. Ex is Ex, not "XOX". One can only assume these people are still attached and haven’t learned to let go.

The only thing you can do about it is remember that it’s not your problem.

Hold on! You guys mean to tell me we’re just going to start answering questions again – like nothin’ ever happened -- after abandoning this poor site since Halloween? Ignoring dozens of questions?

Give me a break, Alphonzo. Like I didn’t see you coming in and writing a column.

Nobody asked me a question.

I hope you know why that is!

My friends, my friends. We have many advice questions remaining to be answered. Holidays are stressful for everyone, but let us move forward.

Bradley adds:

Well, I think he’s right. We owe our readers – if not an apology – at least some feeble excuses.

Good idea. I can’t think of any, though.

We had to do the laundry.

We don't get paid for this, you know.

Really? I was wondering when the check was coming...

I had just finished washing my truck in preparation for a big date the next day when my bastard roommate turned the water hose back on and made like he was going to squirt my truck. Naturally, I grabbed it out of his hands and drenched him with water. He seemed to get the hint that he shouldn't mess with a man's truck, but later that afternoon he snuck out and squirted my truck, leaving water spots all over it. Now I need REVENGE! Please help me devise a practical joke that will teach him a lesson he won't soon forget. I don't want to physically hurt the rat-bastard, but I sure wouldn't mind damaging his ego! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Did that bad man squirt water on your truck?

Are you really old enough to drive?

No offense, Roberto, but you sound like a real jerk.

So your roommate only "made like he was going to" squirt your truck. Maybe he was just yanking your chain by faking you out. So he’s an idiot. But you retaliate by drenching the fool. You set the precedent, Roberto. Then he retaliated to your retaliation.

C’mon, massage those brain cells. What do you think will happen if you retaliate again?

November 25, 1995

I have been good friends for six years with the guy I have now been going out with for eight months. For the whole eight months, I've felt really nervous that he's going to change his mind and just want to be "friends" again. I'm 25 and this is the first guy I have ever gone out with or even dated so I don't know if my nervousness is what everyone feels or if I am just paranoid.

Hwa-hwa-hah! Hoo-hoo-ouch!! Oh, my back hurts when I laugh too hard! I'm laughin' because I can actually remember a time, before I was married, when I was worried my ex-wife would leave me! Hwa-hwa-hah! I sure wish she had!

So… whatever your question is, don't worry about it.

My 16 year old son is "in love" with a 22 year old girl he met on the Net. Should I worry?

Of course you should worry! You're his mother, aren't you? You should worry that he's not getting in a car accident and eating well and brushing his teeth and getting a good education and associating with decent friends and not doing drugs and not getting some girl pregnant… Why, there's so much to worry about, I don't have enough hours in the day! But it's nice to hear he has a girlfriend. I hope she's nice.

November 30, 1995

There's this guy. He's been my best friend for about a year now. A few months ago I started to notice that he seemed to want to be "more than a friend." Well, like the idiot I am, I ignored the problem and hoped it would solve itself. It didn't. It got worse. I can't ignore the problem any longer. Any suggestions?

Suppose you wanted to be "more than a friend" with some other man, but he was not interested in you. How would you want him to handle the situation? (Hint: perhaps, gentle and forthright?)

I recently transferred to a new school and have been having difficulty meeting people of the opposite sex. I am attractive, artistic, and intelligent. I do not enjoy the bar scene or frat parties because I do not drink and tend to be a little quiet. Once when I was a little girl my father warned me that most guys are intimidated by intelligent women, and I am beginning to think this is true. Aren't there any men who will appreciate a bright, attractive, talented woman? I am losing hope!

It's true that a lot of men seem intimidated by women like us. The good thing is that the losers are all weeding themselves out, without any bother on our part. Saves lots of heartache! So don't worry about that. It's when they aren't intimidated and you like them -- that's the scary part.