Past Punchy Advice

December, 1995

December 1, 1995

I am contemplating getting my eyebrow pierced, but I am not positive if I should. What do you think?

I have a bone through my ear. But a ring through my eyebrow would hurt if I ran into a tree.

You want a ring through your eyebrow? Wouldn't that look funny when you get surprised?

Self-mutilation in the name of fashion does not seem psychologically sound to me. Even though I've done it.

You have? What?

Never mind.

Forget the eyebrow thing. You're just tired of being called "Angel Face."

On November 30th you answered a message from Noel, who asked if there were any men out there who would appreciate a bright, attractive, talented woman. Did she leave an Email address, or any other means of getting in contact? Could you send this message along with my address, so that if she wants to "talk" it would be her decision? I realize that this is Punchy Advice, and not a personals column, but she sounds… well… too good to be true.

Sorry, Michael. We don't have a private email address for Noel. Maybe if she sees this, she (or any other bright, attractive, talented, college-aged women who are going unappreciated) can write to Michael at ToddM@fire.bek.com.

December 4, 1995

Here's the deal, George. I was dating this girl that I really liked for over a year until she dumped me for no reason on Valentine's day. Brutal, huh? Well anyhow I still like her and would like to find a way to approach her, but don't know how because she thinks I'm the anti-Christ. It will have been a year since she dumped me this February and she still isn't seeing anyone. And no she's not a dog, she's gorgeous. Help!

im justthe jantor,but it stinks she dumpt yu on valatines day. its the "for no reason" part i dontby.

Dear Bradley, what are the effects of abortion? I mean emotionally. I was a rape victim, and unfortunately I am now pregnant. I am considering abortion, but first I want all the information I can get, and I'm too scared to go to a clinic. Please help me.

Why are you asking me?

All I know is, it's a big decision and the effects will stay with you for the rest of your life. You need to talk to a live person real quick. I suggest you call Planned Parenthood and at least talk to someone on the phone.

I think I am falling in love with my rabbi. Am I insane? How would I get him to fall for me as well?

I suspect that many sane people have fallen in love with their spiritual guides. However, to conclude that the relationship would succeed requires an unjustified leap of faith. I recommend that you acknowledge your feelings to your rabbi, but let go of any attempt to "get him" to fall for you.

December 20, 1995

There is this guy that I like and we have spent almost seven months seeing each other. We go fishing and spend Sunday afternoons together. He won't commit to anything more serious, like a real date. I would really like to be more serious because I have deep feelings for this guy. What should I do?

What's to do? Marty's my husband and the last time we spent Sunday afternoon together was when the toilet overflowed.

Why is that just when everyone is having fun, someone wants to get serious?

That is the difference between men and women, my friend. You are both going fishing, but not for the same thing.

My soon-to-be-wife's father is a homosexual. He discovered this after 15 years of marriage and two children. My question is, have any studies been done on the likelihood of homosexuality being passed on? I'm not homophobic, I'm just wondering about our kids.

Well, you have us stumped. I asked a therapist friend about it and she said that studies have shown some indications that homosexuality is passed on, but there is no conclusion about whether the cause is hereditary or social. But if I were you, I wouldn't worry about my kids.

I'd worry about my wife.

December 22, 1995

I have been out with this girl twice. Both times I took her out to eat and we had a really good time. She has yet to return my phone calls and I helplessly care about her. I haven't called her in the last two weeks, and this whole thing has upset me somewhat. My friends say forget her, but I do not want to until she officially blows me off. What do I do? I need some sort of resolution.

If you need a resolution, how about resolving to not think about her anymore.

If she's not returning your calls, kid, then she's probably not waiting for the phone to ring, if you know what I mean.

Maybe she doesn't like you well enough to "officially blow you off." Official blow-offs take a lot of time and energy.

Too much red tape! You're lucky she just blew you off unofficially.

I met this guy over the Internet and we decided to exchange photos and start a computer relationship. In one of his letters he mentioned that his next girlfriend will be his wife. Should I continue to be in this relationship if there is a chance of me getting deeper into it? We live far apart and it would be a long-distance relationship. Help me please!

Oh, of course not. You should never be in a relationship if there is a chance of getting deeper into it! Jeez, you might actually get emotionally involved! If I were you, I'd keep my computer relationship between me and my computer. But luckily I'm not you.

December 30, 1995

I was going out with this guy for three months and right when I thought things were going good, he broke up with me. I don't know what I did and whenever I try to ask him about it, he gives me confusing answers saying stuff like: I didn't like the way you made fun of yourself. I don't understand why he broke everything off all of the sudden when two days before he did it, he said he loved me. I've asked around, but it seems like all of my friends are stumped. I don't know what to do. I still love him and I very much want him back, and I'm willing to try to change my bad habits for him.

What we all forget, when we're madly involve with another person, is that the person has the right to not be madly in love with us. And they have the right to not explain why.

Another thing we always forget is, the sooner they break it off the better. Thank the poor guy for making it as quick and painless as he knew how.

Never change your bad habits for anybody. Find someone who likes 'em.

What do you do about a college instructor who hates your writing and gives you constant grief?

If I woke up one morning and found myself in college, I'd get the heck out of there fast!

First, my friend, remember that the opinion of any individual is worth very little. Even less if he or she is a college instructor. Second, try to transfer out.

There is some kind of bug living inside my answering machine, between the LED message counter and the plastic plate that covers it. He is covering part of the zero. When I tap on the cover, he moves away, but later he comes back and sits on the zero again. How can I keep him from dying on the zero so I can't get him out without breaking the plastic?

I've never been able to get bugs to do anything I want.