Past Punchy Advice

March, 1996

March 6, 1996

How do you tell one of your close guy friends that you want to have more than a friendship?

More than a friendship?

She means, like all ... you know.

Ohhh! All kissy-kissy! Come to me darling and I will festoon you with licks!

Knock it off you two.

Jill, listen, if this close guy friend is the least bit interested, it won't take much! One extra second of eye contact works better than an engraved invitation. I've known guys that thought you wanted their bodies if you were willing to sit on the same couch!

It's important to be clear about how much more you want.

Is it okay for girls to ask guys out?

Ashley, we're in the latter '90s here! Why should it make any difference who does the asking and who does the accepting or rejecting? The idea that only a man can ask is based on the model where the woman can't get what she wants unless she's asked. This implies a subordinate relationship. Enough of that!

I'm not saying men and women should be the same, 'cause I like the differences. But when the "differences" have something to do with superior/inferior, I draw the line.

Just remember, Ashley, that having the right to ask doesn't mean you can expect a "yes." Once you ask, you'll have to face what guys have always faced: the possibility of a rejection. Learn to take it well, girl. And go for it!

March 16, 1996

A few months ago I met a wonderful woman. Unfortunately, she was dating a good friend of mine. He dumped her two weeks ago. When should I ask her out with a decent chance of her not saying no because I am a friend of the louse who dumped her?

Just like a guy to think there's some kind of clock. T-minus 200 hours and counting! It's an emotional thing, get it? If he dumped her, she's probably somewhat wounded. Even if she's got confidence like a rock, a part of her is saying, "What's wrong with me?"

Stop thinking about how you can control the situation. Give it up! You won't know how she feels about the breakup, or how she feels about you, or anything unless you plain ask her. If you've read any of my advice before, you know I'm really big on the "H" word.

Tell her that you feel really embarrassed by what your friend did. Tell her she seems like a wonderful person and you hope she doesn't find you guilty by association. Ask her how she feels.

That last point is important, so read it again. You don't have to say, "I want to be your friend." Just be one. Be a good listener.

If she's giving you the cold shoulder big time and you want to break the ice, send her a card with a picture of yourself and a donkey. Write:

Yes, he's my friend. But I hope you don't think that makes me an ass, too! Can I change your mind?

I keep getting pebbles in my shoe. What should I do about it?

Apologize and return them to their homes.

March 26, 1996

There's this girl. I can't keep my mind off her. The first thing I think of when I wake up is her, and I fall asleep with the same thoughts every night. This isn't just some sexual infatuation, I really don't even think about that. I think she knows it. We have known each other our entire lives and are decent friends. I have been carrying this torch for five years and it has become very cumbersome. Here is my problem: I want her, but I don't think I can have her. I don't need to hear the old lines about taking a chance and expressing my real feelings. If I was to do that and get rejected I couldn't handle it. It goes beyond pride or fear of rejection. I have put aside many fantastic women in the hopes that somehow I could have this girl. I can't have her and I know it, but I won't take anybody else because one day I might have a chance with her. I guess I'm caught in a catch-22. To be more blunt, it looks like I'm screwed. Any advice?

mmmmmzmzmzm...

Kauli!

Hmm? Is he finished? Hey Hopeless, you need to spend a few weeks in the trees! Cool, sea breezes, the scent of coconut. You'll forget all about what's-her-face. Besides, you can look down and see all kinds of lovely ladies!

Dear You-Call-Yourself-Hopeless?: So. You're afraid if you take a chance and tell her, she'll reject you? And you couldn't handle that! What a pickle! Marty and I went to Atlantic City last weekend, and you know what? They have these one dollar slot machines. I put my dollar in and I was afraid to pull the handle. But Marty said, "C'mon, Ruth. It already has your dollar." So I pulled the handle and it came up two apple pies and an ice cream cone. I could have been sitting there all day! Marty was in a hurry to see the Follies.

Hopeless, do you have any idea what a terrible partner you'd make with an attitude like yours? If you can't handle rejection, you can't handle love.

April, 1996

Do you know of any solution to electronic extramarital affairs?

For years I supported my husband with his computer hobby. I didn't mind when the online service bills mounted. But then one day out of the clear blue sky, he told me he was going to California to meet "Julie," the woman he had met on the Internet. Our 12-year-old and I were stunned. He returned four days later and announced he was quitting his job of 16 years and moving to California to be with his "dream woman." Did I mention she is a single parent of three? -- Left With Only a Modem

How nice for him. Now that he's found his dream woman, he won't have to spend so many hours in front of the computer!

That reminds me of my ex-wife. Her dang tropical fish would always get sick, and she'd have to buy more fish and bigger aquariums. I musta spent thousands of bucks. Then what does she do? She runs off with the fish doctor! I shoulda flushed her neon tetras down the toilet when I had the chance. Alls I got now are these empty tanks.

So that's all the tanks you get, eh?

The problem isn't with the Internet. It sounds like you and your husband weren't communicating at the same baud rate.

Or "bod" rate.

When couples fail to take an interest in each other's lives, their interests can take on a life of their own.

By the way, how fast is the modem?