Punchy AdviceArchives

June 12, 1995

Confused asks Alphonzo:
What do I need to do to improve my business?
Alphonzo Alphonzo answers:
I notice you didn't say what business you're in. That's the first rule, you gotta notice things like that. That's why I'm good at business. It don't do much good having a business if you don't tell people what business you're in. That's why you're not good in business. You could've got a little free advertising just now, like "How can I improve my business selling stuffed armadillos, call 1-800-555-234." Unless you're ashamed of it. I had some businesses that I didn't want to tell anyone about.

Beyond that, all you need is a good suit, and don't make your business cards on the Xerox machine.

Ooni Ooni adds:
Alphonzo should know about successful businesses. He's the founder of Farting Telegrams.

"Tootsle" asks Bob:
Which way is up?
Bob Bob answers:
North. Hope that helps!

"Auric" asks Kelsey:
Should I have one last fling before I get married (I'm engaged now)?
Kelsey Kelsey answers:
Dear Auric, if I were your fiancée and I knew you were considering that, I'd say go right ahead. Fling yourself off the nearest bridge.

Rodney asks Ooni:
What should I do tomorrow?
Ooni Ooni answers:
Put it off till the next day.

Al asks Punjabi:
In what direction should I move?
Punjabi Punjabi answers:
Pardon me, my friend, but were you speaking to me? I seem to have missed the beginning of this conversation.

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